Pain Like A Broken Record

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  🙂

Love Today

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”  ~Proverbs 13:12

I have quoted this verse many times.  It was my staple verse while I was surrendering Japan and missions in Japan…committing to God that I would hold that desire open-handed.  It comes to mind often when I talk to others.  This past weekend I shared it with someone in a conversation.  This morning another friend posted it as a status update on Facebook.

This afternoon I realized how relevant it was for me to ponder once again.  A co-worker pulled me aside to share with me a comment made by another co-worker on Friday.  A few people were standing around Friday talking about me and what I found out on Thursday.   You see, my co-workers were there when I got the flowers…and the fruit.  They were also there when I found the picture that exposed all the lies for what they really were.  I was not there for the talk, but apparently one of the guys made a comment about how much his heart went out to me  remarking that he had never seen anyone respond the way that I had when I carried the gifts from him up to my desk.

I know I was excited, but was it that different?  And if so, what made it stand out from other women’s reactions to these things?

After hearing this and continuing to have Proverbs 13:12 come to mind over and over today I realized that for me, at the time of receiving them, those flowers and things, carried a possibility for me of something that I have waited for so long to have.  I was so flippin’ happy.  I never got gifts delivered to work before!  Perhaps that joy and excitement was a small glimpse of what it feels like to have that one deferred hope finally fulfilled.  If so, I can’t wait to experience that hope fulfilled for real.  When backed by the hand of God and based on a foundation that is 100% true and right…

beautiful.

I hope these co-workers get to see that day, too.  They know how long I’ve waited and continue to wait.  Maybe somehow God would shine through it…and they would not just see a woman who is really happy, but that they would see my Father and his love…and His delight that comes in fulfilling the desires of our hearts in accordance with His purposes.  yes!

All of this is great and wonderful to think about, but what about today?  I mean, my hope is a little beaten up and still very deferred.  I sat at home for the first night alone, no homework, and no guy that’s going to call me on his drive to/from work tonight to talk and tell me goodnight.  My iPhone has gotten quiet.  It’s a little weird and I can’t help but wonder, now what?

I know I’m not the only one waiting and holding something open-handed.  I know several who are waiting and trusting for financial situations to clear, for a baby to be conceived, waiting and trusting for a job, and for a child to be healed.  Just because we wait does not mean that life has to stop.  Children’s author Louise Erdrich once said:

“Here I am, where I ought to be”

Today is happening and purposeful and not something to miss.   BUT instead of dreaming and waiting for the next big thing to come our way we can rejoice that today is incredibly purposeful, in spite of our own hopes deferred.  No matter what we are waiting for, life doesn’t happen once we finally get that thing we’re waiting to see…it is happening now.  We can wait for everything our hearts desire while also actively engaging in the present and all that God has before us today.

Vulnerability & Foolishness

Where do I begin?  So there was this guy (there’s always a guy, isn’t there?).  I found him attractive, funny, friendly, and sharp…I also felt a twinge of chemistry that I had not felt since I dated Mike.  Our first encounter, it took me by surprise.  Months later, our second encounter left us on a couch talking all night long.  After that, the text messages started.  Then the calls and Skyping.  He planned a trip to come “sightseeing” in Washington DC.  Eventually it led to him wanting to see me as much as possible…us planning several days in DC and a few in New York City.  He sent me 18 roses and a few weeks later a basket of fruit from edible arrangements, along with a few balloons.  Notes and texts that led me to believe that his interest was real and that he sincerely wanted to discover what was going on between us.

I was excited about the adventure dates to “see where this would lead”.  I was excited at the newness of interest.  I was excited because of what we had in common and being able to talk about our industry and have the other person understand.  To find someone I was really attracted to.  To find someone who I could be silly and just laugh with.  It was simply exciting and I was open in ways that I don’t think I have been since breaking up with Mike in 2004.  And let’s be honest, it feels great to hear a guy tell you you’re beautiful and to shower you with gifts, doesn’t it?

Sometimes when “things” feel good…or when they feed desires that we badly want filled…or when we have someone saying to us all the things we wish someone would finally say to us, we get fuzzy judgement.  We might be less inclined to stick to our gut.  We ignore the red flags for the sake of attaining the love that we ultimately long for.  It happens to even the best of us if the circumstances were right.  Many times over the past 6 or 7 years, words of Beth Moore have haunted me.  In a talk to college-aged girls she challenged them with this:

“sometimes girls we have this hunch that there is something off or dark or mysterious about a man.  Sometimes it’s our own insecurity and issues that we need to deal with, but often times it’s not…and we need to run as fast as we can in the other direction.”

I have been blessed or cursed to be a fairly intuitive person.  My intuition screams loudly at times…and when I’ve finally listened to it, I’ve only discovered that my intuition (some might call it discernment) was spot on.  I can only think of one instance where I was “off”…and that had nothing to do with me being in a relationship.

Such was the case with my most recent “Mr. Wonderful”.  Saying the right things, doing the right things.  And acting like he was interested.  Yet still, the warnings from others who called him out by name.  The things that didn’t quite seem right in the smaller details of our interactions.  The inconsistencies.  Finally, thanks to the internet, baby registries, and Facebook, I was able to discover the truth about his “other life”…a life he lied about for 2 months.

Several weeks ago I sat in a bible study and told some ladies that I felt like I was playing with fire…enjoying the possibility of what could be, but also aware that this was not the path that God wanted me to walk.  I told friends in an email update.  Hoping that someone would call me out or Pray me out of this situation that I had allowed to grow.  Even as we got closer to our big date adventure I found myself telling God that I needed him to get me out of this if HE knew I was about to get burned or that I could do something I would later regret.  Today, God stepped in and saved me from myself.

I know I am a fool.  God gives me moments of wisdom, but I’ve been known to make my own stupid decisions and judgements.  At the end of the day I am simply a girl who longs to share this journey with another who is also chasing after Him…a longing that has allowed more than enough heart ache into my life.  I don’t know what would have happened exactly, but I realize that had it gone to those days of Adventurous April, my heart would have been a tangled mess.  Finding what I did today made me upset, sure, but now I’m feeling like I can easily and readily walk away with no major regrets or moral failures on my part.  I am grossly imperfect, but incredibly thankful that God stepped in and protected me from myself and my heart from what could have unfolded in the weeks and months ahead.

No matter how long we walk with God, we continue to need him.  The longer I walk with the Lord, the more I see it.  Perhaps that need even grows in increasing measure … as His presence and Truth is enabled to live more fully in and through us and the enemy rises to attack the work that God is doing.  I know Satan only fights where God is at work, so I can’t help but ask…Jesus, what’s next?

Another Reflection From Haiti

It’s taken me some time to figure out what I wanted to close with on this site (this post was originally posted a few weeks ago on the team blog…so it’s a bit dated).

Short term missions have a lot of value – not only for the staff and organizations that are served, but also for the individuals who are going.  Sure, that seems selfish, but it’s a reality that can not be ignored…after all, if you are truly going with a “learner’s heart”, how can you expect to not receive something about God and His Global Kingdom when you go?

I hope and sense that our efforts to serve Child Hope were valuable.  The house we provided, the things we built and organized, the care we provided with the kids – all of those efforts were to serve the staff working there for long-term and the community and kids they are caring for.

On a personal level, I came back from Haiti with some conviction that I had to take to the Lord.  I’m used to being the odd person out.  I usually know how people are going to respond when they start asking questions about my parents or life growing up.  I know my story is a little awkward or sad for people to hear, but I’m okay with that.  For the first time in my life, and by going to an orphanage, I found myself surrounded by kids who have stories that carry more similarities than I’m used to finding in the people I typically encounter.  I didn’t really feel like the odd person out because I knew they too experienced loss and had to grow up far too early.  In some cases I felt like I was staring into a mirror – seeing in others tendencies others have brought to my attention (that I couldn’t really see in myself).  In other cases, I felt like being there with those kids was God’s way of showing me there was something beyond the mirror into which I was staring.

let me explain…

I don’t for one instance claim to know or understand the full experience of life that these kids have, but in some ways I relate. I know what its like to be abandoned and unwanted by one parent, only to watch the other die at a young age.  I struggled to make sense of justice and love in the midst of some really bad experiences.  This is the mirror that I’m speaking of.  It is different from the lives of these kids, but perhaps more relatable and similar than any other community of people that I’ve ever met.

What I noticed and rejoiced with the Child Hope kids is that regardless of their circumstances, they loved to praise and worship God.  I saw pure joy exuding from them at times…simple excitement, thanksgiving, and praise to the Lord.  And this is where God started showing me what was beyond that mirror.  I think it is best described as “joy”.

Coming home, I was very convicted at my own lack of thankfulness toward God and was led to repentance. Beyond the circumstances that have defined our past or are shaping our current reality, there is God and through His Holy Spirit, joy is possible.  There are opportunities to be thankful and to worship God that are not circumstantial.  In Philippians 4:8 Paul exhorts us to focus on what is good and worthy of praise.  I speculate that we are more prone to look at the trials and difficulties we face than we are to the good things, especially when things aren’t necessarily “good”.  It takes effort to look beyond those harder realities into the character of God and worship Him.  God challenged me to do that during our week in Haiti using kids who exuded joy.  He left no room for the exemptions that I usually conjure up when I see joy alive in the lives of others.  I couldn’t find a single “yeah, but…” as I tried to understand what was before my eyes.  They have experienced the harder realities of life, but they had something different…something I wanted.

In a place where I expected to see pain and sorrow much more manifest I found Joy…and through that experience God is challenging me to be more thankful toward Him and through Grace, He is ultimately leading me to experience more joy.

I will never forget this opportunity, and I am so thankful to those who helped to make it possible.  Every time I share, I tell a different story and realize a different way that I saw God move.  The staff of Child Hope do a wonderful job at loving these kids and pointing them to Christ…Maison de lumiere is truly a house of light in this nation.

now stop reading and go PRAISE God for them and PRAY for the work they continue to do there 🙂

Orphan Care and Short-Term Missions – Friend or Foe?

So this is another little note/reflection about my recent trip to Haiti.

As my supporters know, my heart and prayers leading up to the trip were for the girls in the orphanage.  I was hoping and praying that God would show up, someway, somehow with the older girls that I would meet.

So I get there and the first day, we go to a park where all the kids are playing.  I see a group of girls gathered together.  Having prayed for them for weeks prior, I thought it was a perfect opportunity to break the ice.  I walked up and tried to have a conversation with them.   Let me tell you, these girls were tough.  They didn’t really seem like they wanted to talk to me, or the other women from my team who followed me over a few minutes later.  I’m not gonna lie…it was a little awkward.

Eventually, games started up and we all went on our merry little way…

That night as I journaled and prayed, I asked God, “what happened?”  I mean, I had been praying for these girls…and I got walls and distance from them.  Perhaps in their minds, we were just like most other people who would come in for a short time and leave.  Their apparent distance made sense, but it didn’t help my feelings of “defeat”, so to speak.

Over the next several days there was one girl, Oline, who continued to come across my path.  She was younger, and so would have been off my radar (according to “my plans)  if it hadn’t been for the fact that she approached me to say hello and she spoke English fairly well.  Also, she had distinctive barrettes in her hair, so every time after that first encounter I would not only remember her name, but also her face.  Whenever I saw her I made a point to talk to her…often teasing and joking with her about climbing trees and eating the fruits from the trees.

Thursday was a holiday so we hung out with the girls at the girls’ home.  Oline, came over and sat with me holding a picture book that some other team had made for the kids.  She showed me the pictures and told me about the kids and people in the book.  When she closed the book, she saw something written and began to read it to me.

The passage was Isaiah 61.  She stumbled on a few words and asked me how to pronounce them.  After a line or two…and at each line or two she would stop and ask me what it meant.  Isaiah 61 is about Jesus, so I was able to talk to her a little about that and tell her about Jesus and what he wanted to do with the people who believed in Him.  Later that afternoon we took the kids to a nearby park.  Wearing the proper shoes, I decided that I would climb the trees with her.  While climbing our 2nd tree she started to ask me about my family back home.  I shared with her that my dad left my mom before I was born and that my mom had gotten really sick and died when I was 14.  She also asked about my brothers and sisters…I told her I had none.  Since she asked me the question, I thought it was okay at that time to ask her the same questions.  She told me that her mom had gotten sick and died also…I’m guessing that’s part of the story behind her being at the orphanage.  By this point other kids were climbing up the tree and wanting to talk to us so I let that conversation come to a close, without going any further.

Later that afternoon, we had all gone over to the swings and were swinging and talking.  At one point she asked if I would be at summer camp that summer.  I told her no and that I had to go home  in a few days.  She looked down at the ground and ran off.

I had other encounters with her and she hung out with me listening to music for a while the next day…our last full day there, but I’ll never forget her response to that last question.  And this is what has me perplexed now.

I think about the responses of many of the older girls and Oline’s seeming disappointment when I told her I had to go home in a few days.  I can’t help but wonder where the value lies in short-term mission teams working with Orphans.  Granted, our team did much to help the ministry in very tangible ways, but with the kids themselves, do short-term teams just perpetuate the reality that many of them have learned throughout their lives – that people will come and go?  Will short-term teams just encourage their self-preservation and defense mechanisms, making it more difficult for them to trust and learn about authentic community?  I see the relationships that the long-term workers have with the kids and it’s really good…and I think the Lord uses that greatly in the lives of these kids and I know the Lord is sovereign and wanted us there (without a doubt), but I still struggle with the impacts of these short-term mission teams working at orphanages.

I have a good friend who works with World Orphans.  Him and his wife are preparing to go to Thailand in 2012 to do similar work, only for long-term.  I can’t wait to work through these thoughts and ideas with them.  Maybe it’s just my own inner turmoil because of how God has wired me to serve His People and how I typically approach lay ministry and missions in general…or perhaps there is something to this that is valid.  Right now I’m not sure.  I am so thankful for those conversations I had with Oline.  And I’m thankful for the encounters I had with all the girls – The LORD opened my eyes to things that I’m not going to share in this post.  All of it was good, even though I had to take myself and my hopes/plans/expectations/agenda out of the picture in order to see it.

This is the part (or story) of my trip that kills me in a ministry sense, knowing and having a passion for growth and Godly transformation that must occur over a longer time, but only being present for a week in the lives of these kids.  This is a take-away and “struggle” that I wasn’t expecting, but continue to process through now that I’ve had this experience.