Love Today

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”  ~Proverbs 13:12

I have quoted this verse many times.  It was my staple verse while I was surrendering Japan and missions in Japan…committing to God that I would hold that desire open-handed.  It comes to mind often when I talk to others.  This past weekend I shared it with someone in a conversation.  This morning another friend posted it as a status update on Facebook.

This afternoon I realized how relevant it was for me to ponder once again.  A co-worker pulled me aside to share with me a comment made by another co-worker on Friday.  A few people were standing around Friday talking about me and what I found out on Thursday.   You see, my co-workers were there when I got the flowers…and the fruit.  They were also there when I found the picture that exposed all the lies for what they really were.  I was not there for the talk, but apparently one of the guys made a comment about how much his heart went out to me  remarking that he had never seen anyone respond the way that I had when I carried the gifts from him up to my desk.

I know I was excited, but was it that different?  And if so, what made it stand out from other women’s reactions to these things?

After hearing this and continuing to have Proverbs 13:12 come to mind over and over today I realized that for me, at the time of receiving them, those flowers and things, carried a possibility for me of something that I have waited for so long to have.  I was so flippin’ happy.  I never got gifts delivered to work before!  Perhaps that joy and excitement was a small glimpse of what it feels like to have that one deferred hope finally fulfilled.  If so, I can’t wait to experience that hope fulfilled for real.  When backed by the hand of God and based on a foundation that is 100% true and right…

beautiful.

I hope these co-workers get to see that day, too.  They know how long I’ve waited and continue to wait.  Maybe somehow God would shine through it…and they would not just see a woman who is really happy, but that they would see my Father and his love…and His delight that comes in fulfilling the desires of our hearts in accordance with His purposes.  yes!

All of this is great and wonderful to think about, but what about today?  I mean, my hope is a little beaten up and still very deferred.  I sat at home for the first night alone, no homework, and no guy that’s going to call me on his drive to/from work tonight to talk and tell me goodnight.  My iPhone has gotten quiet.  It’s a little weird and I can’t help but wonder, now what?

I know I’m not the only one waiting and holding something open-handed.  I know several who are waiting and trusting for financial situations to clear, for a baby to be conceived, waiting and trusting for a job, and for a child to be healed.  Just because we wait does not mean that life has to stop.  Children’s author Louise Erdrich once said:

“Here I am, where I ought to be”

Today is happening and purposeful and not something to miss.   BUT instead of dreaming and waiting for the next big thing to come our way we can rejoice that today is incredibly purposeful, in spite of our own hopes deferred.  No matter what we are waiting for, life doesn’t happen once we finally get that thing we’re waiting to see…it is happening now.  We can wait for everything our hearts desire while also actively engaging in the present and all that God has before us today.

In Our Darkest Hours

There was once a man, William Cowper, who suffered from clinical depression.  One night he tried to commit suicide.  The story goes that one night he called a cab and told the cab driver to take him to the Thames River (he wanted to drown himself).  However, a thick fog came over the area and prevented them from ever finding the river.  After driving around for a while, the cab finally stopped and let Cowper out of the car.  When Cowper got out he found himself standing outside of his own house.  Maybe the cab driver got lost or maybe he deliberately didn’t find the river, nonetheless I think that God sent the fog to keep Cowper from killing himself that night.

Several years ago I left my house to embark on a journey that I knew would result in me wandering from God and indulging in sinful activities.  Mere moments after hitting the road, I found myself in the forming of a grid lock on the highway.  I sat there for two hours, contemplating where I was going and my motives behind it.  I was convinced and convicted that God had sent the “grid lock” to stop me…to convince me to turn around and walk in the way that He would have.  What are the odds that I would set out, during a very low-traffic time of day, only to find myself just behind something that would lock traffic for hours?

Unfortunately I am stubborn, and became annoyed at God from trying to prevent me from the choices I was making.  I didn’t turn around when my car was able to move again.  I went forward with the choice I had already made and inevitably found myself walking through the next 8 months or so in complete darkness and fury and insanity.  It was hell.  I always look back on that time and wonder “what if”.  What if I had listened to God?  What if I had heeded his “way out”?

I’m not sure what Cowper did after that night.  I’m not sure if his attempts at suicide were ever finally successful.  I know that I went forward with my plans…Cowper made it home safely that night.  This is a hymn that he wrote.  Below it is a poem that I wrote, while sobbing on my floor, recognizing God’s intervention and my neglect of it…

GOD MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS By: William Cowper

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

My Greatest Need By: Me

It seems as though I’ve been here before
Pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
I try to be strong and I try to stand
as i fall again to what my heart demands.
Lord, you are my God, though I fight for the throne
I feel so distant, but I can’t be alone.
Lord, I confess to you that I am this weak
I can’t do this alone, it’s forgiveness I seek!
How foolish am I to forget your grace
trying to make a life in every wrong place.

My body is yours, I’ve said it before
Pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
As again I promise to do your will
subdue my sobs, please make me still.
How many times must I return to this place
broken and ashamed, fearing your face?
How many sins before I can be free
of these lies and this life of captivity?
Four years ago you made me new
I thought with these struggles, I would be through.

But here I am, just as before
pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
I see my state, this eternal need!
Lord hear my cries, just as I plead!
You are God, Lord from above
abounding in grace and unfailing love.
Your son died so disgracefully
and rose again that I might be free.
So who am I, so quick to forget
So quick to rejoice, so quick to regret?

Then you meet me here, just as before;
I’m pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
And I hear you whisper, soft in the night,
“You are forgiven Child, pure in my sight
Now walk again and do what is right.
For my spirit will never leave your side.
I still remember the first tear you cried.
And just as I held you way back then
I will remember you tonight as your Father and Friend,
But you must remember me, and this which I want you to see
I am the Lord your God, I AM your greatest need.

Wherever We go – physically or mentally

“Though I waslk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies
and your right hand delivers me
The LORD will fulfill his purposes for me
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
(Psalm 138:7-8)

I think that if I’m honest with myself, I life in a constant state of mild depression.  I have moments where I feel free, but for the most part, I have spent most of my adult life depressed.  For the past several days I have been fighting a deeper depression.  The carefree days of my youth have become a hazy memory.  This morning Psalm 138 has brought the sweet reminder that wherever I go, the Lord is there with me.

As we walk to lands far away from home, into circumstances filled with uncertainty, and even into those darker times of depression – the Lord is with us.  He upholds us, perhaps even carries us.  There is something comforting in that reality.

I think I have to be in control…maintain control.  But the truth is God.  This heaviness will soon wash away.  The anxiety I feel over the forms I filled out this week are probably not as big of a deal as I have made them out to be.  The uncertainty of my life over the next 3 or 5 or 10 years will become certain as those years come to pass.  And the realization that I may not have as much control as I think I may will prove itself to me 70 times over again.  It all bows humbly to the truth that God is preserving my life, guiding my life…and pointing and growing me toward purposes that I have yet to understand.

I like that.  There is purpose.  There is hope.  There is the Lord, who is by our side…regardless of where we are today and where we’ll be tomorrow – both in physical location, circumstantial realities, and mental states.

The Want of Something More

I’m tired of looking and longing.  I’m tired of waiting.  I live in that deadly trap of dwelling on the past or trying to figure out the future. 

I want to understand the inner workings of the days of old and what their impact is on me today (both good and bad).  I spend hours of my life pondering if only this had been different, how would I have been molded for today?

I want to figure out where I’m going and who I’ll be as if I’m not someone to be aknowledged today.  I bite my tounge and hold back for fear that if I commit to those words, actions, and appointments today I might miss out on something better that I’m unaware of today.     

It appears that I can’t just simply live in the present moment.  I try.  In the present moment I am (if I’m fully honest) discontent.  I have moments of contentment, but they seem transient at best.  I feel that something is missing or that something is wrong.  Instead of living in that tension, my analytical mind wanders back to the past or far into the future. 

The truth is all is not as it should be for us…right now.  I am starting to think that as good as things are for us today, we might just find ourselves with a moment of longing for something more.  And perhaps that’s okay. 

I wonder if part of this tension that exists in the hearts of most of us is in fact a sign of our Sonship in the Lord.  I wonder if the “feeling” that arises when we realize that today is not all that it should or could be is not intended to trigger discontentment or saddness or depression.  What if it was really meant to be a trigger for hope…a hope of a new world and eternity that is yet to come.

The first half of Ecclesiastes 3:11 says:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men…” 

What if part of that ever-present tension comes from the reality that as children of God…something is missing here today.  Something that can’t be found fully in our jobs, friends, churches, spouses or significant others.  What is that feeling is merely a sign, burned in our hearts for the promise of heaven…when all will be as it was intended to be and we will stand pure and new, tearless, and diseaseless…basking in the pure and unhindered Glory of God? 

In his Book Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis writes the following.  I believe it to be relevant to my thoughts today:

“Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy. I am not now speaking of what would be ordinarily called unsuccessful marriages, or holidays, or learned careers. I am speaking of the best possible ones. There was something we grasped at, in that first moment of longing, which just fades away in the reality. I think everyone knows what I mean. The wife may be a good wife, and the hotels and scenery may have been excellent, and chemistry may be a very interesting job: but something has evaded us.”

fear is a funny thing

I think fears are a very funny thing.  So often we move through life held back and bound by our fears.  We are afraid to move forward and step out because we are scared of a reality where we can’t control the outcome.  We have no idea what will happen…we can’t make our ultimate desire/outcome a guaranteed reality so we stop dead in our tracks and never really try for what we want…or what we think we want because life doesn’t guarantee that the exact things we want today are what God knows we need and ultimately provide or allow in our lives.

I’m realizing I have a lot of fears.  I’m realizing the death grip that they have had and continue to have on me.  I recently talked to a friend who helped me to see and call out specific fears that were very active in my life.  I never realized they were there (at least not anymore).  I wrote them down…I named them.  I started to push beyond them.

you know what happened?

The fear started fighting back.  It’s like a parasite that is clinging to its host with every bit of strength that it has…knowing that if separated from the host it would cease to exist.  It fights to hold on, to suck that last drop of blood or cling another leg or tooth (or whatever it is that they use to attach themselves) into its host.  I’m not sure if that’s explained perfectly, but that’s what it feels like.  As I try to step out and away and beyond the fears, every little thing beyond my control that happens that I don’t understand becomes a leg or an arm that the fear uses to re-secure its grip on my life.  It’s as if the fear looks for every little excuse or event to justify its existence in my life.  I hate it.

I find myself very secure in Christ when I live in ignorance of fear and recognizing its grip on me.  Perhaps the same is true with people and the lies they believe about themselves.  Well, at least for a time.  God is in the business of making whole our lives…including the crevices and closed off spaces of our life where those fears and lies [quietly] reside.  And when he’s ready to take over one of those crevices or spaces in our heart and life…the battle begins.

After establishing the reality that God is love, Paul goes on to tell the Corinthian church that perfect Love (God) casts out fear (1 Corinthians 4:18).  The word “cast” reminds me of something that is removed forcefully.  This is purely speculation, but maybe that’s why the fear fights so hard to stay attached…because God is trying to forcefully take the place of a fear or lie that has sucked life from us for who knows how long.

In the end God wins, but unfortunately we still live through the battle.  And during the battle we can look everywhere good…friends, family, pastors, counsel, but the only thing that will truly and completely work in removing that fear is the hand of God.  Scripture attributes God’s perfect love as that which “casts” out fear.  Friends and wise counsel and advice from family is good…great even, but I can’t help but think tonight as I try to squash the fears that raise their ugly heads…the BEST place for me to be is in His (God’s) arms…using His word to be my strength…especially on nights like this when I feel so weak…and so willing to let those fears keep the place they’ve held for so long.

“For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord who lightens my darkness.  This is God – his way is perfect, the word of the Lord proves true, he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:28, 30)

“To you O, Lord, I lift up my soul.  O my God, in you I trust (Psalm 25:1)
“Make your ways known to me, O Lord; teach me your paths.  Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation for you I wait all the day long” (Psalm 25:4-5)