Questions

(written not so much like my usual post).

I have friends…

fighting to stay true to their journey as Christians.

trying to do things right.

wanting to know and understand how God brings the one.

watching the social circle around them slowly (or quickly) marry off

…”leaving them behind”.

I have friends going after Mr. Right Now…because Mr. Right appears to be the same person as Mr. Never.

And who can wait for Never when Now is at hand?  really.

I watch and listen and talk in the midst of all this.  How do I respond?

I feel like I should have the words of encouragment…words to keep them standing firm…pushing forward and Trusting in God’s timing, meanwhile embracing the season of active waiting that singleness can bring.

But I can’t find the words.

I mean I can…I’ve recited them a million times to myself during 9 of the past 12 years.  I’ve spoken them a thousand times to other girls and women alike.

The words I have memorized.

I know them, but I can’t find them because if I’m honest…I question it all.

I doubt.

I wonder if this waiting and pursuing God and hoping that He knows what He’s doing is really worth it.

Sure…the words I know and can recite them all the reasons why it is worth it.  But what if I was wrong…what if the books and podcasts were also wrong?  What if it’s not that big of a deal?

 

Who do I know that’s waited this long?  Shy of starting over, who do I know who fights and waits like this…only to hear a million voices around them saying how stupid it is to hold out and wait.  Knowing that God really is He who keeps me this way.  And those friends this way…it’s not fun.

I’ve waited as long as my friends…longer in many cases, I can encourage…well at times, I could.  But now, if I start to question the truth laying at the root of all that encouragement and “wisdom” and experience that I share with them

…where is the power?

When I take down what has become a mask of certainty to reveal my face full of fear and doubt, and questioning and wondering and WANTING.  (and boy,  do I want)

…where is the power that I once claimed to be woven through these desires?

Sometimes it’s so damn hard and frustrating to try to do what you think you should do when really you just want to do what you want to do.  And how much harder it becomes when you’re not even sure anymore if it does any good…

or if it’s worth it.

or if it even matters in the long run…

or where the lines and boundaries fall between being okay and not okay.

I wish I had the answers and could give all those “right words” that I have memorized from previous personal victories (and heavy reading and podcast listening) to my friends.

I wish I didn’t care this much

I wish there were sleeping pills for desires.  To lay them to rest, until the time is right…just as the bible says to do.

maybe this is part of dying to self. learning contentment. persevering. and falling in love with Jesus.  maybe this is part of being real.

 

the end.

Vulnerability & Foolishness

Where do I begin?  So there was this guy (there’s always a guy, isn’t there?).  I found him attractive, funny, friendly, and sharp…I also felt a twinge of chemistry that I had not felt since I dated Mike.  Our first encounter, it took me by surprise.  Months later, our second encounter left us on a couch talking all night long.  After that, the text messages started.  Then the calls and Skyping.  He planned a trip to come “sightseeing” in Washington DC.  Eventually it led to him wanting to see me as much as possible…us planning several days in DC and a few in New York City.  He sent me 18 roses and a few weeks later a basket of fruit from edible arrangements, along with a few balloons.  Notes and texts that led me to believe that his interest was real and that he sincerely wanted to discover what was going on between us.

I was excited about the adventure dates to “see where this would lead”.  I was excited at the newness of interest.  I was excited because of what we had in common and being able to talk about our industry and have the other person understand.  To find someone I was really attracted to.  To find someone who I could be silly and just laugh with.  It was simply exciting and I was open in ways that I don’t think I have been since breaking up with Mike in 2004.  And let’s be honest, it feels great to hear a guy tell you you’re beautiful and to shower you with gifts, doesn’t it?

Sometimes when “things” feel good…or when they feed desires that we badly want filled…or when we have someone saying to us all the things we wish someone would finally say to us, we get fuzzy judgement.  We might be less inclined to stick to our gut.  We ignore the red flags for the sake of attaining the love that we ultimately long for.  It happens to even the best of us if the circumstances were right.  Many times over the past 6 or 7 years, words of Beth Moore have haunted me.  In a talk to college-aged girls she challenged them with this:

“sometimes girls we have this hunch that there is something off or dark or mysterious about a man.  Sometimes it’s our own insecurity and issues that we need to deal with, but often times it’s not…and we need to run as fast as we can in the other direction.”

I have been blessed or cursed to be a fairly intuitive person.  My intuition screams loudly at times…and when I’ve finally listened to it, I’ve only discovered that my intuition (some might call it discernment) was spot on.  I can only think of one instance where I was “off”…and that had nothing to do with me being in a relationship.

Such was the case with my most recent “Mr. Wonderful”.  Saying the right things, doing the right things.  And acting like he was interested.  Yet still, the warnings from others who called him out by name.  The things that didn’t quite seem right in the smaller details of our interactions.  The inconsistencies.  Finally, thanks to the internet, baby registries, and Facebook, I was able to discover the truth about his “other life”…a life he lied about for 2 months.

Several weeks ago I sat in a bible study and told some ladies that I felt like I was playing with fire…enjoying the possibility of what could be, but also aware that this was not the path that God wanted me to walk.  I told friends in an email update.  Hoping that someone would call me out or Pray me out of this situation that I had allowed to grow.  Even as we got closer to our big date adventure I found myself telling God that I needed him to get me out of this if HE knew I was about to get burned or that I could do something I would later regret.  Today, God stepped in and saved me from myself.

I know I am a fool.  God gives me moments of wisdom, but I’ve been known to make my own stupid decisions and judgements.  At the end of the day I am simply a girl who longs to share this journey with another who is also chasing after Him…a longing that has allowed more than enough heart ache into my life.  I don’t know what would have happened exactly, but I realize that had it gone to those days of Adventurous April, my heart would have been a tangled mess.  Finding what I did today made me upset, sure, but now I’m feeling like I can easily and readily walk away with no major regrets or moral failures on my part.  I am grossly imperfect, but incredibly thankful that God stepped in and protected me from myself and my heart from what could have unfolded in the weeks and months ahead.

No matter how long we walk with God, we continue to need him.  The longer I walk with the Lord, the more I see it.  Perhaps that need even grows in increasing measure … as His presence and Truth is enabled to live more fully in and through us and the enemy rises to attack the work that God is doing.  I know Satan only fights where God is at work, so I can’t help but ask…Jesus, what’s next?

Joseph Forgives. Can We Forgive?

I was thinking over the passage in Genesis 50 where Joseph’s brothers come to Joseph to ask for forgiveness.  They had betrayed him years prior and sold him into slavery as a kid.  As a result he was taken to Egypt and eventually put into prison.  God is faithful to his called ones, and used Joseph during those trials, but at the end of the day…his own family still betrayed him.  In Genesis 50:15-21 the bible shares of the story of the family’s reconciliation.  The brothers sent messengers ahead of them to ask for forgiveness, then once in front of Joseph they all fell to their knees, obviously repentant of what they had done.

In processing through this story, I started thinking in terms of the “Forgiver” (Joseph) and the “Forgiven” (his brothers):

THE FORGIVER – As the forgiver, Joseph was able to, in love, forgive his brothers for what they had done saying that what they had intended for evil, God intended for good.  Sure that sounds good, but how hard to you think it was for Joseph to come to that point of forgiving?  The very people he trusted and should have had his back, betrayed him and sold him.  Originally they had wanted to kill him, but then decided that by selling him, they could actually make a profit!  Are you kidding me?  Yet, in pure love, Joseph stood with his brothers before him (knowing and regretful of their sin) – He forgave.  They had done nothing to earn the forgiveness, they had not “proven” themselves to him, but he forgave…no questions asked. Joseph’s forgiveness here is very much like God’s forgiveness of us.  We are unable to make “right” our past wrongs.  We are unable to “prove” or “win” that forgiveness, yet He grants it to us because of His love for His people.

THE FORGIVEN – I can’t imagine what the forgiven brothers felt in that moment.  In my mind it seems like an ultimate form of betrayal that a family member can have.  When they walked into the room before Joseph, the Bible says they came to their knees.  Clearly they were regretful for their past mistakes.  The fact that they fell to the ground offering to be Joseph’s servants makes me think that not only did they regret, but they felt ashamed of what they had done.  They didn’t deserve the forgiveness, yet they asked…and forgiveness was granted.

As I think and pray over this passage, of course I can’t help but reflect on God’s forgiveness for me through Christ.  I also question if there is any unforgiveness in my heart for others who have wronged me.  When I sat a little longer, the question came to me…”am I able to forgive myself?”

I think that often, as followers of Christ, we can easily talk about God’s forgiveness.  For those who went to Sunday school, it’s probably one of the first things you learn when you started to learn about Jesus.  But I would like to challenge a personal reflection of whether our life (our actions, our motives, our personal thoughts…especially those that are not accessed or seen/known by anyone else/behind closed doors/i.e. without our “good christian” mask) reflects a right belief on what it means to be forgiven.

We know our sins, some of them, all too well.  Some of us are plagued by actions and activities, and choices that were made years ago.  For some of us, the choice or regretful sin was done 2 hours ago.  Because we know our dirty little secrets all too well, we are often unable to see that God’s forgiveness can (and does) apply to those parts of our life.  Sometimes we repent 20-times over, begging and asking God to forgive us of the same sin (and this is both continual sins and a single, but really bad sin).

In the case of Joseph and his brothers, forgiveness was granted once.  In the case of our lives with God, we are given access to Grace once in that Jesus died once – for all, past, present and future sins that he knows we are capable of.  Because of what Jesus did, we can continue to repent to God.  So, if we have gone to God and repented of a sin in our life, why do we continue to condemn ourselves over that very thing?  If God can forgive us, who are we to not, then, forgive ourselves?  What is our judgement compared to God’s love and acceptance?  It actually holds no weight in an eternal sense, but its presence in our thought life can have daily implications that are often rather debilitating.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies…and the greatest barrier to our spiritual freedom in Christ is often our own thoughts, guilt, and shame.  Knowing Truth will set us free. Believing that once repented, God’s grace and love applies to all areas/aspects of our lives and living as if we believe it, I think, is a true manifestation of what “Knowing Truth” means.  Practically, I’ve seen the disconnect more often than I care to admit (true of me personally and friends who’s spiritual insight and wisdom I totally respect).

So, if anyone reads this and thinks about what I’ve shared.  I want to challenge you to not only reflect on areas where you need to ask for forgiveness from God and areas where you need to forgive others, but ask and seek out areas where you might need to finally forgive yourself.  This might look like a past experience that you seem to beg and plead over in your prayers of repentance to God.  This might look like an area of your life that you’ve repented of but continue to beat yourself up over, it might also look like an area where shame or discouragement/depression seems to reign.  Go to God…and don’t be afraid to ask him to help you to first forgive yourself and then begin to love yourself as He so loves you.

Why Do We Crucify Ourselves?

This past Sunday I was in a new church.  It was nice.  As one of the leaders was praying over the communion that was about to be shared, he said the words, “We are not our sin”.  The idea struck me.  As much as I know who I am in Christ, as much as I know that I am new and saved and made new, I still will sometimes fall back into the rut of beating myself up over my sin.  I will often look at myself through the lenses of my deepest and darkest sins.  I identify myself by my struggles.  And that’s just not right.  Sure our sins may describe us, our hangups, our past, our decisions, our weaknesses, but they certainly do not define us.  We are more than our sins…and the power we have in Christ is certainly far greater than the power of those sins acting or fighting to act in our lives.

This song by Tori Amos reminds me of this struggle…of those times when I am beating myself up over my sins.  There is freedom, I have it…you have it.  Live it.

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get affraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now.

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin’ for LOVE
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You’re just an empty cage girl if you kill the brid

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough GUILT to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I CRY

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Why do we change (chains?)
Crucify ourselves
Everyday

Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday

Jealousy and God

I can remember so clearly growing up with my mom and her boyfriends.  When it was just me and my mom, I can’t say that it was always great, but I think I liked it.  Then when a new boyfriend came around, she changed.  She would get happy, like there was suddenly something worth living for.  She was more lively.  Spent less time locked away in her room, sleeping.  There may have only been one boyfriend that I liked.  The rest, if we were playing games, I was probably okay.  But mostly I hated them.  I hated that she was only alive with them in her life…as if I wasn’t enough of a reason to live.  I hated that I never seemed to be enough.  Granted, as an adult, I have a better understanding of her issues…or rather that there were issues that transcended me and whoever was or was not in her life.  She had a lot of issues that I don’t know the depth or root of, I just know now that they were there.  Nonetheless, I can remember how real was the jealousy that I felt whenever a new man came into her life.  I wanted the attention.  I wanted the affection.  I wanted to be her source of joy.  I never was, and I hated that reality.  Moreso, my heart burned with jealousy for all that she then sought out to be the source of those things in her life.

As an adult, I haven’t been in many relationships where those feelings come back to the surface, but when it does…it flies in with a fury.

Recently I was tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep, struggling with insecurity and jealousy in almost every area of my life.  Just as the anxiety reached its peak a simple thought came to my mind that completely rocked me.  Quiet, dark, late at night I heard a simple statement that I can’t seem to shake, “My God is jealous for me”.

In Zechariah 8:2 the Lord says, “I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her”.

I think of Deuteronomy where it is continually said that we should have no other god than the one true God and that He is a jealous God.

I think of Paul when he speaks to the Church in Cornith, telling them he is jealous with a godly jealousy that they might be led astray.

And with this I am baffled.  I can only begin to understand the reality of God’s jealousy through my own experiences and feelings as they manifest in my heart.  Is this how God feels toward us?  When our affections are set on things not Him or of Him, God is jealous?  When we seek to find joy and life and love in places other than him, He is jealous?  In scripture descriptions of jealousy are also accompanied by descriptors such as “burning” or “raging”.  When these feelings get the best of us, that jealousy rages in our hearts…and I can’t help but think that God too rages with that Jealousy when our affections and eyes and lives are centered around anything other than Him.

God loves me.  God loves us, sure…but he is also Jealous for us.  He desires our affections.  He desires to be the sources of Joy and Truth and Love in our lives.  He desires to use us for His purposes, not that we would live a life driven by our own selfish motivations and desires.

The feelings I have coupled with the idea that was placed in my mind the other night is rocking me.  I honestly don’t know what to make of it.  God has a lot of reason to be burning with that jealousy in my life right now.  I’m very convicted…unsure…but slightly comforted that His love and desire for us, sinless as we may be, still drives him to jealousy when we wander from the center that is Christ our Lord.

Abba, my priorities and life is so out of sync with you right now.
Jealousy grips my heart, suffocating my soul,
and I can only think that this is your heart for me as you observe my life,
my choices,
my mistakes,
my sin,
my idols.
I am sorry for this.
Please use this reminder to restore
a foundation of your Truth and Love in my Life.
I’m a tired of this season.
My soul is weary.
My flesh battles for control
And I no longer know how to fight.
I need you, Father…in all your Jealousy and Love.
Meet with me, speak to me again…please.
Amen.