When I asked the Lord to teach me to pray…

It’s been a little over a year since our prayer ministry started.  When we started the ministry I felt that if I was going to do anything with prayer, I had to learn to pray.  In Luke 11:1 we see the disciples coming to Jesus with a simple request:  “Lord teach us to pray”.  Over the years I have found a great love in praying scripture, so naturally I felt that this simple prayer would become my prayer, especially if this ministry was going to gain momentum in the church.  Every single day for months and months that request was part of my daily conversations with God.

During this time, and after few consecutive “happenings”, I felt like God may be opening my heart and mind to healing and understanding His power to heal…as if He wanted me to learn something about healing.  I was nervous, apprehensive, but excited about whatever it was that God wanted to teach me when it came to prayer…even if it involved healing.

After a few months of praying this prayer I got pretty sick.  Imagine food poisoning from 4am – 11am, every day for nearly 3 months – that was me.  At first I jokingly coined it my “morning sickness” (which I found funny since it was impossible for me to get or actually be pregnant).  My prayer team huddled around me…to the point where we stopped in the middle of prayer walking over our women’s retreat facility to lay hands on me, my head, my abdomen, my arms praying in the name of Jesus that I would be healed.  For someone who didn’t have much exposure to healing ministries…I believed very strongly that God was going to heal me.

The next morning I dealt with the “morning sickness” just as I had for the weeks leading up to that prayer.

Within another 2 weeks, doctors were still clueless and in addition to my morning sickness routine, I started throwing up after every meal…regardless of the time…another round of tests, blood work and biopsies were completed.

Eventually my diagnosis came, and I’ve been learning to live with the realization that I will have this health issue for the rest of my life.

So, besides me beating a dead horse, what does this story have to do with learning to pray?

I’m still figuring it out and I’m still learning to pray, but this is what I’ve uncovered so far:

After being pushed and challenged by one of the women on my prayer team, I broke and voiced realities that no one would expect a Prayer Ministry Leader to confess.  I told her that I had not prayed in months.  With the exception of a few small group prayers and what not, I had not sought the Lord in my own personal prayer time since I had received my diagnosis, a few days before Christmas…It was now the end of June.

The person who many would call or expect to be a prayer warrior…had not prayed in months.  Not only that, but I was a little bitter about God adding another “thorn to my side” (2 Cor 12:7-9).

Haven’t I suffered enough?  Haven’t I given up enough?  Haven’t I been tested enough, God?  I’m not going to go through my laundry list of baggage items here, but seriously…so many other areas of my life have taken serious hits over the years…and now He was allowing my health to take the hits.

Do you see it?

I asked the Lord to teach me to pray

A few months into that prayer, sickness and hardship came my way.

I stopped praying because I realized I would forever be sick…and the illness was all I could see…that along with all the other “woe is me” baggage that clings to my side…all that’s “wrong” in my life is what I could see…or perhaps, it was all that I could look at.

To put it another way…

The Lord led me into the wilderness when I asked Him to teach me to pray.  There, in the wilderness, I stopped praying.

(*note – this is a prime example of what not to do).

Now I know that some may read this or hear me talk about this and they may think about their suffering compared to mine.  Perhaps they think my diagnosis is nothing compared to the cancer of loss of job or family that they’re facing.  THE POINT is NOT to compare suffering or to dismiss one’s suffering as less than another’s.  The fact is, that regardless of what not-so-light-and-momentary (2 Cor 4:17) suffering we face, when we are there…it can seem unbearable or painful or confusing.  Our suffering is very real and serious to us as we live in it.  And the things that lead to that suffering (loss, illness, and pain) are the things that Satan loves to use to drive a wedge between us and God.

In the face of suffering we sometimes focus so much on that which hurts, that we forget the truth about He who loves.  We focus on the pain, and in the process loose perspective of the Hope we have.

I asked God to teach me to pray.  When I got sick I asked Him to heal, I believed that He would, but He didn’t.

What did I learn from this?

1.  When praying to God, and He says no…keep praying.  Not just about the illness, but keep praying in general…fight to keep communication with the Lord, no matter how hard it gets.  In those moments, we can not believe the lies that fight to justify the pain we might be wrestling with…God has not left or forsaken us.  He is still the same, His Love and goodness are not dependent on Him always saying yes.

God can use the healing of an illness and not healing an illness to bring Glory to His name.  As we pray for healing, let us also pray that we would seek His hand and that we would know His Truth, regardless of what His answer for that specific healing act may be.  As we encourage each other in suffering, let not our primary attention be on that suffering, place our eyes on Christ…As we walk through it, God is with us (Psalm 23).

Though my “feelings” on any given day may fail or mislead me, in faith, I am confident that God can show His face through this…as he continues to sort out the “junk” that has accumulated over the past several months, He can bring Glory to His name.  Also, I’m back to asking God to teach me to pray…

Faith Or A Lack of Vision?

I just got back from a 1 week mission trip in Haiti.  It was my 2nd time in that country and my 4th time walking the streets of a 3rd world country.  It was both incredible and difficult…it moved my heart in painful ways and joyful ways.  The entire time my brain spun around the ideas of spiritual transformation, discipleship and organizational development.  I thought about the neighborhood, the kids in the orphanage and the staff of the organization.  I wanted so badly to talk out loud, to process and to dream, but I couldn’t.  In addition to painting and doing odd jobs that needed to get done around the orphanage, our team took the kids to VBS so that the staff could have a weekend retreat.  My team went with the kids while I went with a board member to lead some training and team building sessions with the staff during their retreat weekend.  By the time I re-connected with my 17 other teammates, I began to see and feel like I had been on a completely different mission trip…different from them…and different from anything I had ever done or seen God do with and through me on previous mission trips.

Last night I spent some time with a family I knew from a previous church.  They were missionaries for years and know that God has given me a strong heart for missions.  When they asked me about my most recent international adventure I gladly shared about Haiti and how I saw God’s heart unveiled during those short 7 days.  A family friend later followed up by asking me what I was planning for my next overseas adventure.  I was not ready for that question…

Truth is, I have nothing planned.  There was a time when I had my entire life planned.  My sense of calling was so sound and sure.  Which is funny because none of those things that I was so sure about have played out the way I expected or wanted or thought they would.  The process of transformation and sanctification that accompanied my pursuit of those plans makes me confident that God’s hands were all over that time in my life.  Oddly enough, as that season of intense growth/healing/transformation was coming to an end, I came to sense that God was asking me to hold my life plans open-handed and trust Him for what He had in store…

Since then I have clung to Hebrews 11:8 as my “this season of life” verse and have followed the leading of God and the doors he’s opened.  He’s taken me see His work in Ghana and Haiti.  I’ve watched God work in Annapolis through church plants (modeling 2 different yet beautiful expressions of church).  I have been actively involved in church and ministry…seeing both success and failures accompanied by growth and God’s Glory.  Now, with this most recent trip, I find myself wrestling with the idea of calling and trusting and being “open-handed” more than I have in years.

I can’t remember what or how I actually responded to last night’s question, “what’s next?”  I’m struggling to process my last trip, which, if I’m honest, was the most personally challenging mission trip/ministry event that I’ve been involved with.  I’m trying to sort through Truth and the marks of the enemy…pride and expectations…my hand forcing things vs. a glimpse at what the Lord is doing.   At the end of the day I’m standing here still not knowing exactly what I want to be or will be when I grow up.

Oh, I am open…open to whatever the Lord has…but I stare blankly ahead (or maybe I’m open to everything that is something other than this seemingly ambiguious state that I seem to be in today).  Is it because the Lord is wanting me to rely on Him for today and not worry about tomorrow?  Or am I wandering around this life haphazardly because I have no vision for a specific goal or purpose?  I wish I knew…I want so badly to know, but I don’t.  I mean, I am certain that God put me on that team that went to Haiti last week, He’s allowed me to sit where I’m sitting today and I might even be able to guess what will happen tomorrow…to some extent.  But in the grand scheme of things I have no idea what will come to be.  (I’m a big picture person…believe me when I say this drives me crazy).

As my friend’s question, “what’s next” mixes in with all the processing and contemplation I’m doing over my most recent trip, I feel myself getting stuck on the ideas of faith vs. vision.  How do we reconcile having a vision for life and ministry while  walking with God open-handed, trusting that He will guide and direct our steps?  Am I selling myself short because I have lost that sense of vision and purpose that I once had?  Or is my Faith growing stronger because, as Abraham did, I find myself in a season of walking with and serving God, not knowing exactly where I am going to end up?  (OR for sake of being relevant to the question at hand: not knowing where I’m going to be sent next, what I will do there and for how long I will stay…)
Am I the only one who struggles with having vision vs. having faith when you can’t see farther than two steps ahead?  I can’t be…

For His Glory

It has taken me a long time to realize that when Rick Warren penned the words, “It’s not about you”, he meant it.  I remember reading that first line in the book, The Purpose Driven Life, and thinking to myself, “dang…you’re right…it’s not about me!”  Ironically enough, it was also the line that got me off my bed, convinced me that I should get on the bus that was leaving the next morning, and that I should use those Urbana tickets that I had purchased almost a year before.   It was also months before I picked the book up again to actually finish it.

Low and behold, years later and I sometimes find myself struggling with God, and specifically struggling with idolatry of the role I have in life.  You see, scripture is very clear that God has a plan and a purpose for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11 is the often cited “for I know the plans I have for you…”).  I loved that truth.  I loved it even more when I became convinced that the “purpose” God had for me had something to do with missions or being a missionary.  For one, I loved to travel and there was a rather natural feeling that I got when I was overseas.  God used me to do great things for people.  And then, if I’m honest, the other reason had to do with me somehow relating this job…this role as a missionary…to being the highest degree of spirituality that one could attain.  I mean, if I was a missionary and if others knew that I was a missionary…then clearly, People would see me as the big deal that I think I am.

Maybe I’m not the only one.  Maybe for some it is being a young life leader or becoming a pastor or being one of the lay leaders in church that takes a more prominent role.  Several of us, I’m sure, struggle with idolizing the roles or jobs we have because of how awesome they will make us…especially in the eyes of those around us.  We want all eyes and applause on us.  We get highs off it, we feel better because of it, and we want more of it.  Or maybe we just think, “if only I was this missionary/pastor/leader then others would take me seriously, they would see my walk with God and they would think I was a strong and devoted Christian”.

God certainly has incredible plans for our lives.  But we are selling ourselves short if we think that those plans are all about us…if we think that a calling to missions or ministry is about us and what others will think of us as a result.  We are spitting in the face of God’s purpose here on earth if we think that the roles we play are the big deal.  Sure, we should seek God’s purpose for our lives and we should walk in obedience with him…I’m not saying that’s not important.  BUT let us not be fooled, our identity is only found in Him, not the job we have or the degrees we earn…it is in Him.  Any role or position that he may call us to, no matter how glorified by a subculture that it might be…that role and what God does with us and with the role/position that He’s called us to is all for Him.  His Glory.   All eyes and applause go to Him.

Isaiah 64:8 states:
“But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay and you are the potter.”

Think of that scripture in Isaiah 64.  What person looks at Michelangelo’s  David or Rodin’s Le Penseur (“The Thinker”) and praises or worships the marble rock that was used to form it?  NO ONE…We think of the creator/artists and praise them for their masterpieces…and in some cases marvel at what beautiful things were created out of otherwise purposeless rock.

We are that clay…that rock…and we are fools to think that in the end, people will look at the completed product of our life and praise us.  We should only hope that people would look back at us and the short time we spent on this earth and see His Fingerprints all over us and the things we touched…we should hope that our lives would draw the focus off of us and onto Him.

The implications here are major.  Several of us are operating in the place and position that we love.  Before pride kicks in and temps us to make it an ego boosting reality for ourselves, we need to always remember that all that we do and all that we are is for His Glory.  It’s not the applause of man or the admiration of those we’re leading…it’s All For Him.

For those of us wanting and waiting to be somewhere other than here, today the message is still the same.  Perhaps we are wanting that call to missions or we are wishing support raising would go a little faster (or that we could simply bypass that step), because we know in our heart of hearts that God is taking us there…well, remember that for today, He has you here.  Wherever here might be for you:  your house, being the nanny for a difficult family, sitting in a cube doing a job you rarely like for 8 hours a day.  God has called us to these places for today…For His Glory.  Glorifying Him doesn’t start when you get there…it’s also a reality for the time spent here…today.

There is purpose and power in wherever you find yourself today…allow yourself to rest and find joy in that place…and let God be glorified.  Be fully present, regardless of where he has called you to stand, sit, kneel, or work today.  Ask for guidance and an understanding of the purpose he has, especially if the place is less than easy to rest in.  Trust me…there is purpose in today…and God can use you immensely…even if you think your heart and mind would rather be somewhere else.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

“You created my innermost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well”
(Psalm 139:13-14)

Life throws curveballs and you learn to swing.  Problems come up and you figure how to solve or get around whatever is before you today.  Circumstances and situations change and you adapt.  This is how I view life and how I’ve approached life.  I think of myself as a survivor and considering some of those “curveballs”, a fairly high functioning individual.  The downside is that I often will logically accept, adapt, maneuver, solve…do whatever I need to do to move forward in life without always processing and/or embracing those changes/curveballs at the heart level.  Actually, I have a feeling I’m living in that “surviving, but not fully embracing” zone right now…and it’s killing me, spiritually.

This past Saturday I was at a yard sale from 8 AM – 1 PM to sell things that would help me and my church raise money to go to Haiti.  One of the women on our team came by my table and offered to get me food on her way back.  Normally a wonderful and thoughtful gesture.  After a somewhat awkward and circular conversation where my friend asked where I would go and I would answer, “home”, I started to feel horrible because I felt like I was being so difficult.  Here’s why my responses were less than straightforward and easy:  I have Celiac’s Disease and am hypersensitive to trace amounts of gluten that may end up on my food from cross contamination.  How restaurants prepare foods is just as important as what food I’m actually ordering.   If I was “normal” this conversation would have been easy and quick.  It wasn’t.  In the end, she when on her way and I ended up eating chicken and beets later when I got home.

The easy part to this curveball is learning to cook gluten-free – this is me adapting outwardly, and it’s a joy to do so.  It helps that I actually love the kitchen, love trying new recipes, and find food preparation relaxing.  The issue is more with me accepting that I have a legit disorder that removes some of the freedoms that I enjoyed for the first 30 years of my life.  No longer can I have a friend “just pick up something to eat on the way” because deep down I’m anxiety ridden over whether I will get sick.  The joy of going to a friend’s house for dinner is removed when I have to be “that girl” listing off all these exceptions to what they can cook for me that night.

Outwardly I am adapting and surviving (and meal planning), but inwardly as I begin to come more and more in tune with the spiritual dryness that I’m experiencing, I can’t help but realize that not all is well with my heart regarding my recent diagnosis.  I mean, God has plucked quite a few things out of my life over the years, and now he’s taking away my freedom to eat whatever and whenever I want.  I know it sounds silly, and there are other people with far worse conditions out there, but this legitimately bothers me.  I hate being the person that everyone needs to bend around.  I’m a “go with the flow” kind of person and I love food.  Now I have all these food rules…no more “go with the flow”…now “it’s eat at home, then go with the flow”.  Sure, Celiac’s forces me to make some of the best and most healthy decision regarding my food intake on a daily basis.  On a good, no contamination day, I feel better than I have ever felt.  Nonetheless, the longer I live with this, the more tension I feel where freedom was once exercised; I cringe and wonder why.

Being only 5 months into this lifestyle, people still often ask how the new “diet” is going and how I’m adjusting to it all.  I tell them, “Great!”  I love to cook, remember?  What I don’t tell them is that I have recited Psalm 139:13-14 to myself more in the past month than I have ever really thought about those verses in the past 10 years.  That’s the more honest answer…I recite the words to those verses over and over, hoping that eventually I will convince myself that I am okay because this is who God created me to be.

Outwardly I will survive, inwardly the dryness of my soul begs for my heart to catch up with my mind.  My flesh wants to mope and focus on the imperfections and their implications in my life whereas God wants me to take every thought captive and submit it unto christ (2 Cor 10:5).  Almost daily I’m fighting feelings of not being good enough or feeling like something is wrong with me.  A few times I’ve even gone down the path of thinking that this food issue somehow makes me unlovable.  Whatever it might be at any given moment, they are lies.  They clash with the ideas presented to us as cherished, valuable, and loved by the God who created us.  So, whenever these negative thoughts come up, I try to replace it with truth that God fearfully and wonderfully made me.  Yes, I literally talk to myself here.  For me to allow this “manageable issue” devalue (even if only in my mind) a child of God (me), then can I really say that I’m loving the hand of God and all that He’s created?  Am I loving God?  How can I bash the very things that God created to reflect His image and bring Glory to His name?  ashamedly, I do…but I’m also fighting myself to believe all that God says about me as his beloved child.

I’m not sure how to end this blog (feeling a little scatter-brained here), but I like to use the phrase “fake it till you make it“.  Maybe the phrase, “speak scripture and truth to yourself until your heart and mind believe it” conveys the point a little more specifically…and maybe soon this will be easier for me and my heart to accept.

I’m not sure if there are things that come up in your life that lead you to think negative thoughts about your value or worth, but if there are…look to see what the bible says.  Write a few key verses down.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, read/recite the verses until the thoughts/self-talk passes.  It might take a while (meaning days, weeks, months), but it works…and it’s a very practical way of submitting our negative thoughts to God and training our minds to instead focus on Truth.  Join me in this battle… 

Be Still…Know

Life is sometimes a whirlwind.  Minutes quickly fade to hours and hours to days and days to months.  You wake up one morning and realize that in the very attempts to go through life, you forget what it is that allows you to truly live.

For months I found myself increasingly caught up in survival mode…”auto pilot”, as my pastor called it the other day.  Fall started out wonderful, school was good, church was good, work was changing, but good.  The pace picked up with the increasing changes.  Survival mode kicked in as I got really sick and tried to manage work + school.  Eventually in the hustle and bustle I either got way too busy, or a little disappointed in God that everything was hitting me at once.  Either way, everything was getting done, but the time between my talks with God grew longer and longer….  I was doing a lot…but somewhere along the way, in the course of months, I completely forgot to simply be.

We all go through these seasons of busyness.  Sometimes the distractions are truly distractions, but sometimes we get caught up in doing really good things – being responsible with our kids, our work, our school, and our church ministries.  We do, do, do…and we strive to do well.  What I find happens, however, is that in the race to do, we forget that first and foremost we must simply be.

In Psalm 46:10 we find this:

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth. 

A few weeks ago, I ran off to a women’s retreat.  It was the first time in months that I had really allowed myself to just sit and absorb encouragement, truth, and wait for whatever God had to speak to me.  On Saturday afternoon, I went for a walk by myself to pray, confess, and just decompress everything that was happening in life.  Being on the water, I wandered down this old pier and stood at the end.  The sun was shining, a breeze was blowing…and I just stood there.  Music played from my iPod, but the only words I kept hearing was “be still”.

“Be still, Amy.  KNOW that I am your sovereign LORD.”

 I closed my eyes and stood there, still, for nearly an hour.  Today I wandered around the National Arboretum in DC.  It was beautiful and while I was with friends, I found myself lost in thought many times…always coming back to those same words that whispered to me on the pier a few weeks before.

Be still and know.

I strive. I fight.  I burn out.  Work continues.  Ministry and opportunity continue to grow…I look and want to understand what I can do to grow our prayer team.  How can I encourage those around me to seek the Lord and grow in their relationship with him?  I default to find things I can, could, would, should do…when really I need to LISTEN to this verse that keeps invading my brain and simply take the time to be still.  I need to be available to Him again, seeking His voice and His word, knowing full well how sweet His active presence is in our lives…sigh.