A Little Spoon Waiting For A Big Spoon

I want to write, but the only thing on my mind is the relationship status I have posted on my Facebook:  “Single”.

This past week I went to Reno for a company meeting.  On the first night there we had a welcome reception.  Everyone and their spouses attended for appetizers, drinks, and socializing.  I ran into a plant manager that I worked for a few years ago.  He introduced me to his wife and then asked if I brought anyone with me.  No, I didn’t.  Do I ever?

A few weeks ago a friend made a passing comment about how content I was and how at peace I seemed when it came to relationships.  Perhaps I am content at times, but inwardly I rollercoaster over the reality of my singleness.  There are days and times when do feel at peace reflecting on my lack of romantic relationships.  Empowered, even.  There are other days, however, when I find myself frustrated, confused, filled with longing and desire.  If I’m honest I can confess those days where I scope out every guy in a room, assessing potential.  Yup, some days I’m that girl – the ones the authors of Christian dating books warn against and tell you to never become.  Yup, that’s me, probably all of us at some time or another.  

I’m surrounded by other singles who I know have longing.  I hear it in conversations, I see it in actions taken with the wrong guys/girls.  I have longing too, you know.  I hurt too.  I want them to know that I’m not a superwoman who has it all together.  I’m in the same boat…part of me hurts for all of us sitting at the single table.  

I recently prayed with a friend who is  probably walking into the beginning of the end of a relationship with the wrong kind of guy.  She sincerely hurts, and as we prayed I also got choked up thinking about the turmoil in her.  She spoke about how she doesn’t want to miss out on what God might do in this guy’s life…you know, to turn him around.  I later told her that it was okay (and normal) to acknowledge her hurt over the idea that the end of this relationship is, once again, the beginning of singleness.  Singleness – that time in life when you just don’t know who or what God has on the way…or if that person even exists. 

I recently read that God will sometimes allow revival or spiritual highs to help give strength to get through those times we spend walking in the valley of  everyday life.  Maybe that idea can also be applied to our walks as single people.  We all will experience moments of strength where we completely embrace our single life.  We experience freedom from the paralyzing, unmet desires of our hearts…and it’s great!  But perhaps, more often than not, we find ourselves in the valley of longing and desire.  As we may spend much more of our time there, remember the heights to which we’ve been and meditate on them as we walk through (not around or above or below…but THROUGH) those valleys of longing and desire.  Those memories mark divine moments in our walks with God…when we focus and reflect upon them we are by default also focusing and reflecting on Him and what He’s done.  Bringing that perspective into the forefront of our minds will help to refocus our attention away from the circumstances of today (walking in a valley of loneliness) and back on to God.  I know we will begin to see glimpses of Him and His presence with us in that valley…and that should offer the strength and ability we need to walk on in a way that is still glorifying to Him. 

I thinks its naïve to expect those longings and desires to never awaken.  I that eventually we will all walk through a valley or two (it may be singleness, or a job, or illness, or whatever).  It’s not whether we hit that valley that matters…it’s how we journey through it – the decisions we make, the actions and responses we have, and the focus of our minds; that’s what really matters. 

I’m walking in that valley today.  Walking strong…stumbling along…regardless I’m continually being held up (or picked up) by God.  For that I am ever grateful.

An Apology To My Brothers

2 blogs in 1 day??  Yup!  That’s right.  (This turned into a long post…there is a question for my guy readers at the bottom of this post.  Feedback would be wonderful!) 

I want to offer and apology and clarification regarding a recent blog on singleness and dating entitled, Not Adding Up.  I got some feedback that made me realize I may have not conveyed my thoughts in the way I really wanted to.  So let’s see if I can make this right… 

First off, I want to apologize to my Christian brothers out there (I know I have girl readers, but it’s usually the guys who comment, so I want to clarify so that you aren’t left my site feeling discouraged).  It is not my intent to bash you in any way.  I’m not trying to point my fingers at you saying this is your fault.  OR Man Up!  OR anything of the like.  I’m very sorry if you felt offended or hurt by what I wrote.  In general, with the Christian consensus of the male as a leader and initiator, you guys are left with a pretty tough job.  I don’t envy the challenge or the fear of rejection that you face.  I don’t want to seem as if I’m complaining or tearing you guys down.  So I apologize if it came across that way.      

My intent in the Adding Up post wasn’t to complain about Christian men in any way.  Really I was just contemplating the fact that after hearing so much from Christian women about the lack of men showing interest that I finally heard the same thing coming from a Christian Guy.  I just thought it was funny…that’s all.  I’m sorry if I conveyed anything that may have been discouraging to single brothers who want and are looking for a wife. 

I say it doesn’t add up, but in actuality, I acknowledge that there exists many reasons why people aren’t getting dates…or why they’re not being asked on dates.  My friend John goes into several of these in one of his recent blogs about why Christian guys don’t ask out Christian girls.  Reasons include but are not limited to:  fear, intimidation, insecurity, lack of potential, lack of compatibility, and, honestly, just not being attracted to them.  Yes, it was a bit of a shock to realize that there might be people who just aren’t attracted to me (haha, joking…sort of, *sigh*). 

There are many reasons, and sitting around complaining about it isn’t very productive for anyone.    

In a short essay on The Puritans and Sex (“Christian Hedonists or Religious Prudes? The Puritans on Sex” from Sex and the Supremacy of Christ) Mark Dever says this about the reasons people have traditionally married (and for purposes of this discussion, dated): 

“Roman Catholics tended to emphasize Genesis 1:28 (“Be fruitful and multiply”) and the Lutherans emphasized 1 Corinthians 7:9 (“It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion”), the Puritians tended to go to Genesis 2:18 – It is not good that man should be alone.”  In other words, the Roman church emphasized procreation, the Lutherans pointed to protection, and the Puritians, while agreeing with both of these, stressed companionship in life and partnership in the service of God.” (p.259)

 For me, I’d have to most agree with the puritans, seeing marriage as a partnership…a ministry of sorts that is intimately shared between two people for the Glory of God.  Kids and sex are great and I can’t wait for that part of it, but marriage is more than that.  Companionship is wonderful, but it’s more than what marriage will allow us…it’s about the glory it brings to God.  My hope is that those who are holding out on dating (whether asking out or finally saying yes to those who are asking them) they’re doing so not because of insecurity, not because they don’t yet see perfection, but because they are looking for the person with whom a relationship may most Glorify God (which may mean forgoing the list of mini [not-so-essential] essentials that includes 6′ 2″, brown hair, musician, and rich for the sake of Godly man who compliments the person God has created you to be and whom you will best compliment). 

 As we continue to hold out…as we continue to wonder where all the good Christians have gone, perhaps we can continue to grow personally into the men and women God created us to be, and encouraging that growth in the men and women we have in our midst.

 While I was in Kentucky a few months ago, I had an epiphany of sorts both for personal application and also for Christian women in general.  What I thought/realized was this, instead of complaining of the shyness of Christian guys, or their lack of action, or whatever else, we as sisters and friends should find ways to encourage guys in their leadership.  

 In the book Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper defines the following:

 “At the Heart of Mature Masculinity is a sense of Benevolent Responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man’s differing relationships.” (p.35)

“At the heart of mature femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive, and nurture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman’s differing relationships” (p. 46)

If John Piper is correct, God created us with complimentary roles that ultimately glorify him.  Beyond (Or the case of single women – before) husband and wife relationships, we as women can and should encourage/affirm the leadership (and growth in leadership) of the guys around us.  Unfortunately, I dont think I know what this looks like/could look like…

So GUYS, I apologize for my most recent post and other posts which may have discouraged you in the past.  Trust me when I say my intent is not to tear down any child of God, especially the men that God has called to lead in so many ways.  At the same time I ASK THIS:

 If us single women would stop complaining about the inaction we see coming from Christian guys with regards to dating and re-direct our energy into encouraging your growth as a Godly man in ways that are appropriate and healthy for non-marital relationships…what might that look like?  I’ve asked this question before (not on my blog) and got no answer, but perhaps someone will have some ideas on how it might look. 

If complaining about the lack of attention we are getting is discouraging to single guys, how can we encourage you, specifically with regards to your leadership and roles as Men of God (described by John Piper above)?