Love Today

“A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life”  ~Proverbs 13:12

I have quoted this verse many times.  It was my staple verse while I was surrendering Japan and missions in Japan…committing to God that I would hold that desire open-handed.  It comes to mind often when I talk to others.  This past weekend I shared it with someone in a conversation.  This morning another friend posted it as a status update on Facebook.

This afternoon I realized how relevant it was for me to ponder once again.  A co-worker pulled me aside to share with me a comment made by another co-worker on Friday.  A few people were standing around Friday talking about me and what I found out on Thursday.   You see, my co-workers were there when I got the flowers…and the fruit.  They were also there when I found the picture that exposed all the lies for what they really were.  I was not there for the talk, but apparently one of the guys made a comment about how much his heart went out to me  remarking that he had never seen anyone respond the way that I had when I carried the gifts from him up to my desk.

I know I was excited, but was it that different?  And if so, what made it stand out from other women’s reactions to these things?

After hearing this and continuing to have Proverbs 13:12 come to mind over and over today I realized that for me, at the time of receiving them, those flowers and things, carried a possibility for me of something that I have waited for so long to have.  I was so flippin’ happy.  I never got gifts delivered to work before!  Perhaps that joy and excitement was a small glimpse of what it feels like to have that one deferred hope finally fulfilled.  If so, I can’t wait to experience that hope fulfilled for real.  When backed by the hand of God and based on a foundation that is 100% true and right…

beautiful.

I hope these co-workers get to see that day, too.  They know how long I’ve waited and continue to wait.  Maybe somehow God would shine through it…and they would not just see a woman who is really happy, but that they would see my Father and his love…and His delight that comes in fulfilling the desires of our hearts in accordance with His purposes.  yes!

All of this is great and wonderful to think about, but what about today?  I mean, my hope is a little beaten up and still very deferred.  I sat at home for the first night alone, no homework, and no guy that’s going to call me on his drive to/from work tonight to talk and tell me goodnight.  My iPhone has gotten quiet.  It’s a little weird and I can’t help but wonder, now what?

I know I’m not the only one waiting and holding something open-handed.  I know several who are waiting and trusting for financial situations to clear, for a baby to be conceived, waiting and trusting for a job, and for a child to be healed.  Just because we wait does not mean that life has to stop.  Children’s author Louise Erdrich once said:

“Here I am, where I ought to be”

Today is happening and purposeful and not something to miss.   BUT instead of dreaming and waiting for the next big thing to come our way we can rejoice that today is incredibly purposeful, in spite of our own hopes deferred.  No matter what we are waiting for, life doesn’t happen once we finally get that thing we’re waiting to see…it is happening now.  We can wait for everything our hearts desire while also actively engaging in the present and all that God has before us today.

When Am I Who I Really Am?

Tonight I was at a bible study.  It came time for prayer.  I didn’t think I really had any requests, so I didn’t share much.  Then someone shared a request and it reminded me of this weekend…

You see, in my MBA class (and often in the work place), I sometimes struggle with feeling connected.  People make comments about me being a Christian or will joke about Jesus this or that.  I don’t always know for sure, but sometimes I wonder if it’s because of the faith I have or because of who I am.  I’m also a quiet and a really, really, shy person, so that doesn’t help with “feeling connected” to the people around me (I put quotations because I feel like I’m using some cheesy buzz word here, but I’m not sure I know how else to state it!! lol).  AND to top it off, I’m horrible at small talk…networking is sometimes hard for me.  I thrive on good books, philosophical, meaningful, and deep conversations…the kinds of talks you don’t just have with everyone…ya know?  And especially not the kinds of talks you have during 5 or 10 minute breaks with your classmates…

So this weekend I was free after class and decided to join my MBA classmates at happy hour.  Eventually the joking and banter started up.  It was nothing horrible, but as I got in my car for the 1 hr drive home, I couldn’t help but question myself and my motives, specifically around my participation in and encouragement of the conversation that was being had.

I wouldn’t talk or act like that in front of my pastors (past and present).  I wouldn’t act or joke like that in front of girls that I’m mentoring at any given time.  I wouldn’t encourage my closest girlfriends to act or joke like that.  Again, it’s not that it was wrong or bad, but for me, it didn’t feel authentic…and that’s where the problem lies.

You see, regardless of how long you’ve been walking with the Lord, there will always be a temptation to allow your flesh to take control.  And for each of us, there are areas or traps that are much easier for us to fall into relative to others.  There is one trap that I will almost always fall in to (or so it seems), and  Happy Hour with my classmates was one of those times (no, it wasn’t drinking too much).  The conversation started with a few guys that I really like and grew from there to include others, I enjoyed the joking, regardless of subject matter (it’s easier for me than small talk), so I stayed with it…feeling, at least for a few moments, connected to people I don’t normally talk to very much.  Unfortunately, I drove home feeling like it was done at the expense of  God or more specifically, the person he’s called me to be.

I have no real resolution to this, but I have this question that I just can’t shake.  While reflecting on my drive home from happy hour, this is what came up:

Who am I when I’m being my most authentic self?  Who am I behind closed doors, when connectedness or “fitting in” isn’t driving my actions, when I’m not trying to put on a pretty service face or trying to impress someone at work?  Who am I when no one is looking?

Am I okay with that me?  I need to be.

Whoever I am authentically…that’s who I want to be, always.

At home.

At Church.

With Friends.

At work.

and especially at School…at least until graduation.

Jealousy and God

I can remember so clearly growing up with my mom and her boyfriends.  When it was just me and my mom, I can’t say that it was always great, but I think I liked it.  Then when a new boyfriend came around, she changed.  She would get happy, like there was suddenly something worth living for.  She was more lively.  Spent less time locked away in her room, sleeping.  There may have only been one boyfriend that I liked.  The rest, if we were playing games, I was probably okay.  But mostly I hated them.  I hated that she was only alive with them in her life…as if I wasn’t enough of a reason to live.  I hated that I never seemed to be enough.  Granted, as an adult, I have a better understanding of her issues…or rather that there were issues that transcended me and whoever was or was not in her life.  She had a lot of issues that I don’t know the depth or root of, I just know now that they were there.  Nonetheless, I can remember how real was the jealousy that I felt whenever a new man came into her life.  I wanted the attention.  I wanted the affection.  I wanted to be her source of joy.  I never was, and I hated that reality.  Moreso, my heart burned with jealousy for all that she then sought out to be the source of those things in her life.

As an adult, I haven’t been in many relationships where those feelings come back to the surface, but when it does…it flies in with a fury.

Recently I was tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep, struggling with insecurity and jealousy in almost every area of my life.  Just as the anxiety reached its peak a simple thought came to my mind that completely rocked me.  Quiet, dark, late at night I heard a simple statement that I can’t seem to shake, “My God is jealous for me”.

In Zechariah 8:2 the Lord says, “I am very jealous for Zion; I am burning with jealousy for her”.

I think of Deuteronomy where it is continually said that we should have no other god than the one true God and that He is a jealous God.

I think of Paul when he speaks to the Church in Cornith, telling them he is jealous with a godly jealousy that they might be led astray.

And with this I am baffled.  I can only begin to understand the reality of God’s jealousy through my own experiences and feelings as they manifest in my heart.  Is this how God feels toward us?  When our affections are set on things not Him or of Him, God is jealous?  When we seek to find joy and life and love in places other than him, He is jealous?  In scripture descriptions of jealousy are also accompanied by descriptors such as “burning” or “raging”.  When these feelings get the best of us, that jealousy rages in our hearts…and I can’t help but think that God too rages with that Jealousy when our affections and eyes and lives are centered around anything other than Him.

God loves me.  God loves us, sure…but he is also Jealous for us.  He desires our affections.  He desires to be the sources of Joy and Truth and Love in our lives.  He desires to use us for His purposes, not that we would live a life driven by our own selfish motivations and desires.

The feelings I have coupled with the idea that was placed in my mind the other night is rocking me.  I honestly don’t know what to make of it.  God has a lot of reason to be burning with that jealousy in my life right now.  I’m very convicted…unsure…but slightly comforted that His love and desire for us, sinless as we may be, still drives him to jealousy when we wander from the center that is Christ our Lord.

Abba, my priorities and life is so out of sync with you right now.
Jealousy grips my heart, suffocating my soul,
and I can only think that this is your heart for me as you observe my life,
my choices,
my mistakes,
my sin,
my idols.
I am sorry for this.
Please use this reminder to restore
a foundation of your Truth and Love in my Life.
I’m a tired of this season.
My soul is weary.
My flesh battles for control
And I no longer know how to fight.
I need you, Father…in all your Jealousy and Love.
Meet with me, speak to me again…please.
Amen.