Being Thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving, my church this weekend incorporated the idea of giving thanks to God into the message.  I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of being thankful ever since Sunday.  The holidays are quickly approaching.  This is one of the hardest times of the year for me.  On one hand I like to see my family and spend time with them.  On the other hand, however, it serves as a constant reminder of how abnormal my life is.  I am bombarded with the reality that I have no parents or siblings.  It’s also a huge reminder for me of the disappointment that I have surrounding the reality that I’m still single.  Unmarried.  No little family with kids of my own that I’ve always wanted and have always hoped would fill this void that I feel so deeply.  This has been my reality for a long time now, but it’s still really difficult and lonely, especially during the holidays.

This Sunday the pastor had us write letters to God giving thanks to Him for things in our life.  I know that I have so much to be thankful for.  Considering the things I have experienced in this life, I have in many ways, surpassed all odds.  I’m not sure that I would be alive today if God hadn’t intervened when He did (that is not a statement I say lightly, I honestly believe this).  I was able to go through undergrad almost for free (I graduated with less than $10K in loans) because I was a ward of the state.  I work for a company who is paying for my grad school.  Not many people have this kind of opportunity with regards to higher levels of education.  I still have some family that welcomes me into their life.  God has graced me with a strength that surpasses my understanding, allowing me to share the truth of my life with others in a way that opens doors for healing for them and experiences that they’ve had.  As a little girl I always wanted to travel.  I’ve been able to go to many states and several countries as an adult.  I wanted this so badly, and it’s only by God’s grace that I’ve been able to experience it and continue to experience it.  I have several amazing girlfriends (and guy friends) in my life whom have helped me grow immensely.  The internet helps me keep in touch with two in particular, who are currently living on the other side of the world.  I have a great job that pays well and allows me the ability to support others who may not be as fortunate today.  God has given me knowledge, and wisdom and insight that is often unique and challenges others to think about things in different ways.  I have a really cute apartment that I love.  And most importantly, over the last several years, God has opened my eyes to the reality of His love for me.  He continues to tear down the wounds and lies that I carry/believe from my own experience with my mom and absentee dad and other family members who rejected and hurt me over the years.  I’m sure I could go on…

I think its funny that so often we look at our life and focus on the things that aren’t as they should be, the disappointments we have, the things we want and don’t have, the things we dislike about ourselves.  We form some kind of tunnel vision, focusing only on those things and find ourselves discouraged and upset with God.  That tunnel vision causes us to lose sight of the blessings that abound in our lives.  It’s hard to thank God when things are hard and when we’re focusing on that which perpetuates that sense of disappointment in our lives today.

I am so guilty of this.  Perhaps you are too.  I challenge each of us to look deep into our lives and find the courage to look beyond what we don’t have to recognize all that we do have and thank God for those things.  And once we’re finished with thanking God for the blessings…lets thank God for the disappointments and frustrations.  There is probably reasons for them, perhaps reasons that we may not understand fully for a long time…

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Psalm 119:132-136

“Turn to me and be gracious to me,
as is your way with those who love your name.
Keep steady my steps according to your promise,
and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
Redeem me from man’s oppression,
that I may keep your precepts.
Make your face shine upon your servant,
and teach me your statutes.
My eyes shed streams of tears,
because people do not keep your law.”

Sin has certainly left it’s mark in the world…and in our lives.  We are continually confronted with temptation, our own sin and the sins of others.  We all have been hurt and carry scars because of the sin that is so prominiant in the world.  Each of us has been hurt in some way or another, whether it is by our own sinful decisions, or the sin of those we think we can trust, those we look to for help and guidance, those we love and those who say they love us.  It is a painful plight in our world, this side of heaven.

As I read the last verses of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the maiden in Song of Solomon.  She went out seeking for her beloved and found watchmen.  They were the watchmen of the city, those who were called to protect the city and the people within it.  The watchmen found her while she was looking for her lover, and their response was to “bruise her” (Song of Solomon 5:6-8).  I’m not sure what it means exactly that they bruised her, but I do think it’s interesting to note that the word specifically states that they also took her veil – something that was meant to be removed by only a woman’s husband.  Some might say that the removal of the veil is symbolic to the transition from virginity to a consummated marriage, which would also go along with the idea that the veil itself should only be removed by one’s husband.  With this in mind, I can only think that the bruises she received were nothing shy of harmful – physically and emotionally.  I also wonder if it was an attack, in the least, on her sense of purity or intimate connection with her beloved.  Scripture doesn’t say explicitly, but deductive reasoning makes me wonder…

Regardless of what those bruises are for us, we have all been hurt.  Luckily Christ has brought redemption and a renewal of purity for those who put their faith in him.  A redemption that can only be bought with His blood that was shed on the cross.

Today I stand, bruised and beaten in ways that I would not wish on anyone.  Images of past sins committed on/to me and the sins I myself have willingly partaken in flood my mind and my sense of being.  I’m not alone in this.  I also stand in the Light of Christ – and am being made whole through Grace.  I have a sense of eternal wholeness, but I still carry scars from those sins past and present.  I still find myself hurt and confused by the deceit, manipulation, and sin (intentional or not) that I see and experience – especially by those that I look to for friendship, help, guidance, counsel, love, etc.  To varying degrees, all Christians do.

What is my response to this?  What should our response be?  For me, I long for heaven and the promises it holds.  In Revelations 21 it states:

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Our response…to rejoice in the saving power and love of Christ, to give Grace as we receive Grace from our Lord.    I long for heaven, but until I am called to go, I long for God’s presence, the times I sit with him and His word that is always waiting for me to read, think upon, and love unashamedly.

Worrying About Sin

Before I spill my thoughts I want to open the door for anyone who reads this…if I’m off base, tell me. 

As I drove home from work yesterday I talked with a friend on the phone.  During our conversation, my friend began to express how much she hurt for another friend of ours.  This other person is a Christian, was walking with the Lord and now has started making decisions and choices that may not be the most God-glorifying and in some cases is choosing to outright sin against God.  The person on the other end of the phone has been discouraged over the whole situation from day 1.  I, on the other hand, have not been “bothered” by it to the same degree.  Yesterday there came a point in our conversation where I started to think my friend was waiting for me to meet her in her discomfort over this situation.  I couldn’t…and as a result, I think my words were rather disappointing to her. 

From my perspective, this “situation” is all too familiar to me.  Actually, it’s practically a mirror image of me and some decisions I made 1 year into my walk with God.  Several of my friends responded just as yesterday’s phone conversation went down.  I ultimately did what I wanted to do, regardless of what anyone could do or say to me at the time…similar to our friend today.  It is now 7 years later, and while I did what I wanted to do then, ultimately God did what He wanted to do…and that was to continue conforming me to his image.  As with any of the harder darker times in my walk, God used those times and specifically my emergence from them to grow and deepen my faith and character in ways that nothing else would have been able to do.  While I would love to (ideally speaking) save all those I love from hurt or pain or suffering or bad decisions or sin, I would never want to “save” them from the process of growth that so often accompanies those times in our lives. 

I look at this situation today and I don’t feel despair nor do I feel as heart-broken as others on the outside looking in.  I look at this situation and find peace knowing that God can and will do anything to move us to being more of the person we were created to be, even if that means that for a season we are  given over to the sin we are trying to cling so tightly to. 

I felt bad as I hung up the phone yesterday…I am not burdened for this situation like others may be.  I actually feel optimistic about the situation…not to say I expect the outcome to be a certain way (because I don’t know what that outcome will be), but rather am optimistic that regardless of what the situation and choices are, God can and will do what He wants when the time is right.  Perhaps it’s because the situation hits close to home but I just can’t find despair in the situation and sins, instead I hope in the opportunities that exist.  There is so much potential for God to Glorify His name…in several different ways.  Why worry over the sin when I can pray for God’s Glory to reign?   

In my devotional this morning I read this and felt that it was relevant to my musings of the last 18 or 20 hours.  Using Moses as a backdrop to build this reflection (Numbers 20) Henry Blackaby pens the following in his devotional, Experiencing God:

“God has put people around you who need your ministry to them. You will never be able to properly help them, however, unless your primary focus is on God. If you concentrate on people, their weaknesses, their disobedience, their lack of faith, and their stubbornness will quickly frustrate you. You may… commit the very sins you are condemning. If, however, your eyes are fixed on holy God, you will become more like Him—gracious, forgiving, long-suffering, and righteous. When a friend’s behavior disappoints you, go immediately to the Lord. Seek to discern what God is wanting to do in your friend’s life rather than concentrating on your friend’s sin. Then you will have the strength, wisdom, and patience you need to help your friend in the way God desires.”

Remembering The Gospel

I don’t know how long its been…6 months, 10 months…a year, maybe.  However long…I feel like I’ve been walking through this time where things have been really hard for me.  I’ve struggled and suffered in many ways.  God has opened my eyes to the reality of the depth of my selfishness, forced me to embrace loneliness in ways I never really had as a Christian, brought insecurities to the surface, and allowed me to experience the truth of the statement “the harvest is plenty but the workers are few”.  I’ve been hurt and confused by people in my church body.  One thing after another…and the truth is it’s been really hard.  Somewhere along this season I started to give up.  Fervent prayer waned, my witness, possibly, faded out, church and all that I was doing with it became a checklist…tasks that I would check off…motions I would go through.  Work got hard, homework got harder…and finding time for God seemed to be the hardest.

I’ve known for a while that I’ve been “off”.  God has been with me this whole time, don’t get me wrong…I’ve experienced glimpses of His Grace and Victory over this time, but the reality is this is the season God has allowed me to walk.  And scripture provides confidence that regardless of how I’m feeling, He’s with me…with all of His sons and daughters.

Could this time be an opportunity to cling to him more?  An opportunity to un-clench my hands from around every “good” bad thing that I had been holding to…those things that were maintaining a false sense of security in my walk with God?

Perhaps a little bit of all of the above.

Today I struggled with a single sentance that a friend spoke to me recently.  It drove directly into an insecurity that I’ve always struggled with perhaps most of my life.  I tried everything I knew to do…and it kept eating at me.

Tonight I picked up a little book that someone gave to me as I shared with them my thoughts that I had lost touch with the Gospel.  It’s called the Gospel Primer.  by Page 2 of the first part of the book…I found myself stuck – and this what I realized as I meditated on the truths and scriptures presented…

The Gospel is the power of God.  We see glimpses of God’s power all around us…the winds of a hurricane, the eruption of a volcano, but it’s the Gospel (and Christ) that scripture actually identifies as being the power of God.  The Gospel is there both for unbelievers as well as believers.  Hebrews 4:2 acknowledges that it is the Gospel united with faith that brings about change and growth and fruit in the lives of those who hear it.  Could it be that faith too will wane  or falter over time if not coupled with the Gospel?  If so…thats the story of the season I’ve been walking through…and tonight it helped shed light on a lot thats happened during this time.

I realized that after battling a single lie today, the reality is that it has no power over me when it stands in comparison to the Gospel – the fact that Christ was crucified and died for our sins and that God is in the process of renewing and restoring people to the fullness of what He intended for his creation.

The Gospel is the power of God…tonight it helped immensely to remember it and meditate upon it.

Abba, thank you.  for meeting me tonight.  for hearing my heart cries and being faithful to meet me in this place.  God, help me to remember your Gospel help me to use it to combat the condemnation that comes from my doubts and insecurities.  Lord, help me to forgive my friend’s words…and the words of several others who have also fed the insecurity that ate at me today.
For that I need you, please…
Please restore the truth of your Gospel to it’s proper place in my heart and mind. Thank you for your love…and your word…and the gift of Grace that you lavish upon my life.
Amen.

Enemies – How do you respond?

“Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles.” 
(Proverbs 24:17)

How do you respond when you hear of bad things happening to your enemies?  Personally, I’m not quite sure.  First of all, it’s hard for me to consider anyone an enemy.  The term seems so extreme.  There are people I dislike, and certainly people who have done wrong to me, but I’m not sure if I would consider them enemies.  So, replace “enemy” with someone who has wronged you…now ask yourself the question: “how do you respond?” 

This verse reminded me of a response I had this past summer when I learned the outcome of a situation that involved a person who wronged me in a big way.  I had been following this situation and anticipating the outcome and its closure for nearly 3 years when news finally came this summer.  For me, the outcome represented a lot:  the validity of right and wrong and a personal confirmation of God’s justice and protection.  Needless to say I was relieved and excited.  Part of me felt compassion on the person involved, but far more than that I rejoiced.  I told friends who were with me on vacation.  I went outside to praise God.  I was elated.  Tonight, months later, I can’t help but think over my response…especially in light of this verse.  Was it wrong of me?  Could I have responded differently?  I’m still trying to figure it out with this specific situation, but I know there are other instances when I could have and should have responded very differently.  The most prominent example of a right response lies with a story of Jesus himself. 

Jesus – He hung on a cross, placed there for reasons that are rooted in lies, personal vendettas and injustice.  There was no good reason for him to hang on that cross…But he was crucified.  It’s hard to say that Jesus would consider those that hung him enemies, but I’ll revert back to my alternate understanding…they were definitely people who had done wrong to him.    Luke 23 describes the scene well:

“As they led [Jesus] away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus…. Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, there they crucified [Jesus], along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.  The people stood watching, and the rulers even sneered at him. They said, “He saved others; let him save himself if he is the Christ of God, the Chosen One.”   The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, “If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself.” (verse 26 – 37)

In Isaiah 52:14 we are told that Jesus would be beaten beyond recognition, disfigured and marred from human likeness.  He was beaten and then taken to die on a cross – ridiculed and shouted at…His response to those who did him wrong = prayer.  He asked God to forgive them.  My understanding of the eternal implications of God’s forgiveness is that they would be welcomed into Heaven.  So, if that’s correct, I will also suggest that Jesus was praying for God to forgive those who were killing him – asking that they would join him in Heaven. 

I can’t get my mind around that.  It’s profound and so easily read…yet so difficult to translate into my life and my actions.  Share a heavenly inheritance and spend eternity with a person who has done wrong to me or someone else?  Really, God?  Yes…Really! 

I guess the reality is that we are no more or less deserving of God’s forgiveness…and we are just as susceptible to sin as the next person regardless of whether they are friend or foe.  I can only hope that I would be mature enough to pray for God’s love to embrace and welcome in those whom I, personally, have the most trouble loving. 

Lord, I don’t know how to interpret my responses to those who have done wrong to me or others that I know.  God help me to understand this verse in light of praising and recognizing your justice.  I have a hard time reconciling the two.  And, please God, help me to love those who disappoint me, help me to not rejoice when a foe falls.  If only I could apply the wisdom of this Proverb AND respond in a prayer like Jesus.  Only by your Grace, Father.  Amen.