So, I changed my domain name. I don’t know if this cancels subscriptions for those who subscribed under my old wingfiea site, but hopefully not.
A quick update for now then I will update more fully later on…
After years of waiting…paitently and not so patiently at times…I have finally met my match. And am now engaged and planning my wedding. Yay.
More details later…
Hope some of you out there are still listening after my nearly 1 year hiatus from writing.
(written not so much like my usual post).
I have friends…
fighting to stay true to their journey as Christians.
trying to do things right.
wanting to know and understand how God brings the one.
watching the social circle around them slowly (or quickly) marry off
…”leaving them behind”.
I have friends going after Mr. Right Now…because Mr. Right appears to be the same person as Mr. Never.
And who can wait for Never when Now is at hand? really.
I watch and listen and talk in the midst of all this. How do I respond?
I feel like I should have the words of encouragment…words to keep them standing firm…pushing forward and Trusting in God’s timing, meanwhile embracing the season of active waiting that singleness can bring.
But I can’t find the words.
I mean I can…I’ve recited them a million times to myself during 9 of the past 12 years. I’ve spoken them a thousand times to other girls and women alike.
The words I have memorized.
I know them, but I can’t find them because if I’m honest…I question it all.
I doubt.
I wonder if this waiting and pursuing God and hoping that He knows what He’s doing is really worth it.
Sure…the words I know and can recite them all the reasons why it is worth it. But what if I was wrong…what if the books and podcasts were also wrong? What if it’s not that big of a deal?
Who do I know that’s waited this long? Shy of starting over, who do I know who fights and waits like this…only to hear a million voices around them saying how stupid it is to hold out and wait. Knowing that God really is He who keeps me this way. And those friends this way…it’s not fun.
I’ve waited as long as my friends…longer in many cases, I can encourage…well at times, I could. But now, if I start to question the truth laying at the root of all that encouragement and “wisdom” and experience that I share with them
…where is the power?
When I take down what has become a mask of certainty to reveal my face full of fear and doubt, and questioning and wondering and WANTING. (and boy, do I want)
…where is the power that I once claimed to be woven through these desires?
Sometimes it’s so damn hard and frustrating to try to do what you think you should do when really you just want to do what you want to do. And how much harder it becomes when you’re not even sure anymore if it does any good…
or if it’s worth it.
or if it even matters in the long run…
or where the lines and boundaries fall between being okay and not okay.
I wish I had the answers and could give all those “right words” that I have memorized from previous personal victories (and heavy reading and podcast listening) to my friends.
I wish I didn’t care this much
I wish there were sleeping pills for desires. To lay them to rest, until the time is right…just as the bible says to do.
maybe this is part of dying to self. learning contentment. persevering. and falling in love with Jesus. maybe this is part of being real.
the end.
It’s been a little over a year since our prayer ministry started. When we started the ministry I felt that if I was going to do anything with prayer, I had to learn to pray. In Luke 11:1 we see the disciples coming to Jesus with a simple request: “Lord teach us to pray”. Over the years I have found a great love in praying scripture, so naturally I felt that this simple prayer would become my prayer, especially if this ministry was going to gain momentum in the church. Every single day for months and months that request was part of my daily conversations with God.
During this time, and after few consecutive “happenings”, I felt like God may be opening my heart and mind to healing and understanding His power to heal…as if He wanted me to learn something about healing. I was nervous, apprehensive, but excited about whatever it was that God wanted to teach me when it came to prayer…even if it involved healing.
After a few months of praying this prayer I got pretty sick. Imagine food poisoning from 4am – 11am, every day for nearly 3 months – that was me. At first I jokingly coined it my “morning sickness” (which I found funny since it was impossible for me to get or actually be pregnant). My prayer team huddled around me…to the point where we stopped in the middle of prayer walking over our women’s retreat facility to lay hands on me, my head, my abdomen, my arms praying in the name of Jesus that I would be healed. For someone who didn’t have much exposure to healing ministries…I believed very strongly that God was going to heal me.
The next morning I dealt with the “morning sickness” just as I had for the weeks leading up to that prayer.
Within another 2 weeks, doctors were still clueless and in addition to my morning sickness routine, I started throwing up after every meal…regardless of the time…another round of tests, blood work and biopsies were completed.
Eventually my diagnosis came, and I’ve been learning to live with the realization that I will have this health issue for the rest of my life.
So, besides me beating a dead horse, what does this story have to do with learning to pray?
I’m still figuring it out and I’m still learning to pray, but this is what I’ve uncovered so far:
After being pushed and challenged by one of the women on my prayer team, I broke and voiced realities that no one would expect a Prayer Ministry Leader to confess. I told her that I had not prayed in months. With the exception of a few small group prayers and what not, I had not sought the Lord in my own personal prayer time since I had received my diagnosis, a few days before Christmas…It was now the end of June.
The person who many would call or expect to be a prayer warrior…had not prayed in months. Not only that, but I was a little bitter about God adding another “thorn to my side” (2 Cor 12:7-9).
Haven’t I suffered enough? Haven’t I given up enough? Haven’t I been tested enough, God? I’m not going to go through my laundry list of baggage items here, but seriously…so many other areas of my life have taken serious hits over the years…and now He was allowing my health to take the hits.
Do you see it?
I asked the Lord to teach me to pray
A few months into that prayer, sickness and hardship came my way.
I stopped praying because I realized I would forever be sick…and the illness was all I could see…that along with all the other “woe is me” baggage that clings to my side…all that’s “wrong” in my life is what I could see…or perhaps, it was all that I could look at.
To put it another way…
The Lord led me into the wilderness when I asked Him to teach me to pray. There, in the wilderness, I stopped praying.
(*note – this is a prime example of what not to do).
Now I know that some may read this or hear me talk about this and they may think about their suffering compared to mine. Perhaps they think my diagnosis is nothing compared to the cancer of loss of job or family that they’re facing. THE POINT is NOT to compare suffering or to dismiss one’s suffering as less than another’s. The fact is, that regardless of what not-so-light-and-momentary (2 Cor 4:17) suffering we face, when we are there…it can seem unbearable or painful or confusing. Our suffering is very real and serious to us as we live in it. And the things that lead to that suffering (loss, illness, and pain) are the things that Satan loves to use to drive a wedge between us and God.
In the face of suffering we sometimes focus so much on that which hurts, that we forget the truth about He who loves. We focus on the pain, and in the process loose perspective of the Hope we have.
I asked God to teach me to pray. When I got sick I asked Him to heal, I believed that He would, but He didn’t.
What did I learn from this?
1. When praying to God, and He says no…keep praying. Not just about the illness, but keep praying in general…fight to keep communication with the Lord, no matter how hard it gets. In those moments, we can not believe the lies that fight to justify the pain we might be wrestling with…God has not left or forsaken us. He is still the same, His Love and goodness are not dependent on Him always saying yes.
God can use the healing of an illness and not healing an illness to bring Glory to His name. As we pray for healing, let us also pray that we would seek His hand and that we would know His Truth, regardless of what His answer for that specific healing act may be. As we encourage each other in suffering, let not our primary attention be on that suffering, place our eyes on Christ…As we walk through it, God is with us (Psalm 23).
Though my “feelings” on any given day may fail or mislead me, in faith, I am confident that God can show His face through this…as he continues to sort out the “junk” that has accumulated over the past several months, He can bring Glory to His name. Also, I’m back to asking God to teach me to pray…
I just got back from a 1 week mission trip in Haiti. It was my 2nd time in that country and my 4th time walking the streets of a 3rd world country. It was both incredible and difficult…it moved my heart in painful ways and joyful ways. The entire time my brain spun around the ideas of spiritual transformation, discipleship and organizational development. I thought about the neighborhood, the kids in the orphanage and the staff of the organization. I wanted so badly to talk out loud, to process and to dream, but I couldn’t. In addition to painting and doing odd jobs that needed to get done around the orphanage, our team took the kids to VBS so that the staff could have a weekend retreat. My team went with the kids while I went with a board member to lead some training and team building sessions with the staff during their retreat weekend. By the time I re-connected with my 17 other teammates, I began to see and feel like I had been on a completely different mission trip…different from them…and different from anything I had ever done or seen God do with and through me on previous mission trips.
Last night I spent some time with a family I knew from a previous church. They were missionaries for years and know that God has given me a strong heart for missions. When they asked me about my most recent international adventure I gladly shared about Haiti and how I saw God’s heart unveiled during those short 7 days. A family friend later followed up by asking me what I was planning for my next overseas adventure. I was not ready for that question…
Truth is, I have nothing planned. There was a time when I had my entire life planned. My sense of calling was so sound and sure. Which is funny because none of those things that I was so sure about have played out the way I expected or wanted or thought they would. The process of transformation and sanctification that accompanied my pursuit of those plans makes me confident that God’s hands were all over that time in my life. Oddly enough, as that season of intense growth/healing/transformation was coming to an end, I came to sense that God was asking me to hold my life plans open-handed and trust Him for what He had in store…
Since then I have clung to Hebrews 11:8 as my “this season of life” verse and have followed the leading of God and the doors he’s opened. He’s taken me see His work in Ghana and Haiti. I’ve watched God work in Annapolis through church plants (modeling 2 different yet beautiful expressions of church). I have been actively involved in church and ministry…seeing both success and failures accompanied by growth and God’s Glory. Now, with this most recent trip, I find myself wrestling with the idea of calling and trusting and being “open-handed” more than I have in years.
I can’t remember what or how I actually responded to last night’s question, “what’s next?” I’m struggling to process my last trip, which, if I’m honest, was the most personally challenging mission trip/ministry event that I’ve been involved with. I’m trying to sort through Truth and the marks of the enemy…pride and expectations…my hand forcing things vs. a glimpse at what the Lord is doing. At the end of the day I’m standing here still not knowing exactly what I want to be or will be when I grow up.
Oh, I am open…open to whatever the Lord has…but I stare blankly ahead (or maybe I’m open to everything that is something other than this seemingly ambiguious state that I seem to be in today). Is it because the Lord is wanting me to rely on Him for today and not worry about tomorrow? Or am I wandering around this life haphazardly because I have no vision for a specific goal or purpose? I wish I knew…I want so badly to know, but I don’t. I mean, I am certain that God put me on that team that went to Haiti last week, He’s allowed me to sit where I’m sitting today and I might even be able to guess what will happen tomorrow…to some extent. But in the grand scheme of things I have no idea what will come to be. (I’m a big picture person…believe me when I say this drives me crazy).
As my friend’s question, “what’s next” mixes in with all the processing and contemplation I’m doing over my most recent trip, I feel myself getting stuck on the ideas of faith vs. vision. How do we reconcile having a vision for life and ministry while walking with God open-handed, trusting that He will guide and direct our steps? Am I selling myself short because I have lost that sense of vision and purpose that I once had? Or is my Faith growing stronger because, as Abraham did, I find myself in a season of walking with and serving God, not knowing exactly where I am going to end up? (OR for sake of being relevant to the question at hand: not knowing where I’m going to be sent next, what I will do there and for how long I will stay…)
Am I the only one who struggles with having vision vs. having faith when you can’t see farther than two steps ahead? I can’t be…
It has taken me a long time to realize that when Rick Warren penned the words, “It’s not about you”, he meant it. I remember reading that first line in the book, The Purpose Driven Life, and thinking to myself, “dang…you’re right…it’s not about me!” Ironically enough, it was also the line that got me off my bed, convinced me that I should get on the bus that was leaving the next morning, and that I should use those Urbana tickets that I had purchased almost a year before. It was also months before I picked the book up again to actually finish it.
Low and behold, years later and I sometimes find myself struggling with God, and specifically struggling with idolatry of the role I have in life. You see, scripture is very clear that God has a plan and a purpose for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11 is the often cited “for I know the plans I have for you…”). I loved that truth. I loved it even more when I became convinced that the “purpose” God had for me had something to do with missions or being a missionary. For one, I loved to travel and there was a rather natural feeling that I got when I was overseas. God used me to do great things for people. And then, if I’m honest, the other reason had to do with me somehow relating this job…this role as a missionary…to being the highest degree of spirituality that one could attain. I mean, if I was a missionary and if others knew that I was a missionary…then clearly, People would see me as the big deal that I think I am.
Maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe for some it is being a young life leader or becoming a pastor or being one of the lay leaders in church that takes a more prominent role. Several of us, I’m sure, struggle with idolizing the roles or jobs we have because of how awesome they will make us…especially in the eyes of those around us. We want all eyes and applause on us. We get highs off it, we feel better because of it, and we want more of it. Or maybe we just think, “if only I was this missionary/pastor/leader then others would take me seriously, they would see my walk with God and they would think I was a strong and devoted Christian”.
God certainly has incredible plans for our lives. But we are selling ourselves short if we think that those plans are all about us…if we think that a calling to missions or ministry is about us and what others will think of us as a result. We are spitting in the face of God’s purpose here on earth if we think that the roles we play are the big deal. Sure, we should seek God’s purpose for our lives and we should walk in obedience with him…I’m not saying that’s not important. BUT let us not be fooled, our identity is only found in Him, not the job we have or the degrees we earn…it is in Him. Any role or position that he may call us to, no matter how glorified by a subculture that it might be…that role and what God does with us and with the role/position that He’s called us to is all for Him. His Glory. All eyes and applause go to Him.
Isaiah 64:8 states:
“But now, O Lord, you are our Father;
we are the clay and you are the potter.”
Think of that scripture in Isaiah 64. What person looks at Michelangelo’s David or Rodin’s Le Penseur (“The Thinker”) and praises or worships the marble rock that was used to form it? NO ONE…We think of the creator/artists and praise them for their masterpieces…and in some cases marvel at what beautiful things were created out of otherwise purposeless rock.
We are that clay…that rock…and we are fools to think that in the end, people will look at the completed product of our life and praise us. We should only hope that people would look back at us and the short time we spent on this earth and see His Fingerprints all over us and the things we touched…we should hope that our lives would draw the focus off of us and onto Him.
The implications here are major. Several of us are operating in the place and position that we love. Before pride kicks in and temps us to make it an ego boosting reality for ourselves, we need to always remember that all that we do and all that we are is for His Glory. It’s not the applause of man or the admiration of those we’re leading…it’s All For Him.
For those of us wanting and waiting to be somewhere other than here, today the message is still the same. Perhaps we are wanting that call to missions or we are wishing support raising would go a little faster (or that we could simply bypass that step), because we know in our heart of hearts that God is taking us there…well, remember that for today, He has you here. Wherever here might be for you: your house, being the nanny for a difficult family, sitting in a cube doing a job you rarely like for 8 hours a day. God has called us to these places for today…For His Glory. Glorifying Him doesn’t start when you get there…it’s also a reality for the time spent here…today.
There is purpose and power in wherever you find yourself today…allow yourself to rest and find joy in that place…and let God be glorified. Be fully present, regardless of where he has called you to stand, sit, kneel, or work today. Ask for guidance and an understanding of the purpose he has, especially if the place is less than easy to rest in. Trust me…there is purpose in today…and God can use you immensely…even if you think your heart and mind would rather be somewhere else.
a heart set on pilgrimage 