“You created my innermost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well”
(Psalm 139:13-14)
Life throws curveballs and you learn to swing. Problems come up and you figure how to solve or get around whatever is before you today. Circumstances and situations change and you adapt. This is how I view life and how I’ve approached life. I think of myself as a survivor and considering some of those “curveballs”, a fairly high functioning individual. The downside is that I often will logically accept, adapt, maneuver, solve…do whatever I need to do to move forward in life without always processing and/or embracing those changes/curveballs at the heart level. Actually, I have a feeling I’m living in that “surviving, but not fully embracing” zone right now…and it’s killing me, spiritually.
This past Saturday I was at a yard sale from 8 AM – 1 PM to sell things that would help me and my church raise money to go to Haiti. One of the women on our team came by my table and offered to get me food on her way back. Normally a wonderful and thoughtful gesture. After a somewhat awkward and circular conversation where my friend asked where I would go and I would answer, “home”, I started to feel horrible because I felt like I was being so difficult. Here’s why my responses were less than straightforward and easy: I have Celiac’s Disease and am hypersensitive to trace amounts of gluten that may end up on my food from cross contamination. How restaurants prepare foods is just as important as what food I’m actually ordering. If I was “normal” this conversation would have been easy and quick. It wasn’t. In the end, she when on her way and I ended up eating chicken and beets later when I got home.
The easy part to this curveball is learning to cook gluten-free – this is me adapting outwardly, and it’s a joy to do so. It helps that I actually love the kitchen, love trying new recipes, and find food preparation relaxing. The issue is more with me accepting that I have a legit disorder that removes some of the freedoms that I enjoyed for the first 30 years of my life. No longer can I have a friend “just pick up something to eat on the way” because deep down I’m anxiety ridden over whether I will get sick. The joy of going to a friend’s house for dinner is removed when I have to be “that girl” listing off all these exceptions to what they can cook for me that night.
Outwardly I am adapting and surviving (and meal planning), but inwardly as I begin to come more and more in tune with the spiritual dryness that I’m experiencing, I can’t help but realize that not all is well with my heart regarding my recent diagnosis. I mean, God has plucked quite a few things out of my life over the years, and now he’s taking away my freedom to eat whatever and whenever I want. I know it sounds silly, and there are other people with far worse conditions out there, but this legitimately bothers me. I hate being the person that everyone needs to bend around. I’m a “go with the flow” kind of person and I love food. Now I have all these food rules…no more “go with the flow”…now “it’s eat at home, then go with the flow”. Sure, Celiac’s forces me to make some of the best and most healthy decision regarding my food intake on a daily basis. On a good, no contamination day, I feel better than I have ever felt. Nonetheless, the longer I live with this, the more tension I feel where freedom was once exercised; I cringe and wonder why.
Being only 5 months into this lifestyle, people still often ask how the new “diet” is going and how I’m adjusting to it all. I tell them, “Great!” I love to cook, remember? What I don’t tell them is that I have recited Psalm 139:13-14 to myself more in the past month than I have ever really thought about those verses in the past 10 years. That’s the more honest answer…I recite the words to those verses over and over, hoping that eventually I will convince myself that I am okay because this is who God created me to be.
Outwardly I will survive, inwardly the dryness of my soul begs for my heart to catch up with my mind. My flesh wants to mope and focus on the imperfections and their implications in my life whereas God wants me to take every thought captive and submit it unto christ (2 Cor 10:5). Almost daily I’m fighting feelings of not being good enough or feeling like something is wrong with me. A few times I’ve even gone down the path of thinking that this food issue somehow makes me unlovable. Whatever it might be at any given moment, they are lies. They clash with the ideas presented to us as cherished, valuable, and loved by the God who created us. So, whenever these negative thoughts come up, I try to replace it with truth that God fearfully and wonderfully made me. Yes, I literally talk to myself here. For me to allow this “manageable issue” devalue (even if only in my mind) a child of God (me), then can I really say that I’m loving the hand of God and all that He’s created? Am I loving God? How can I bash the very things that God created to reflect His image and bring Glory to His name? ashamedly, I do…but I’m also fighting myself to believe all that God says about me as his beloved child.
I’m not sure how to end this blog (feeling a little scatter-brained here), but I like to use the phrase “fake it till you make it“. Maybe the phrase, “speak scripture and truth to yourself until your heart and mind believe it” conveys the point a little more specifically…and maybe soon this will be easier for me and my heart to accept.
I’m not sure if there are things that come up in your life that lead you to think negative thoughts about your value or worth, but if there are…look to see what the bible says. Write a few key verses down. Whenever you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts, read/recite the verses until the thoughts/self-talk passes. It might take a while (meaning days, weeks, months), but it works…and it’s a very practical way of submitting our negative thoughts to God and training our minds to instead focus on Truth. Join me in this battle…
a heart set on pilgrimage 