Women and Pornography – A Blind Spot in The Church

I’m sure that it would come as no surprise to say that pornography is a rampant struggle in the church.  The industry revenues about $57 Billion worldwide and no one would dare say that the church is exempt from contributing to this.  The thing that might be a shocker, however, is the relevance of pornography and sexual addictions amongst women…and yes, this is especially true in the church.

Did you know that 1 out of every 3 people that access adult websites are women?

Did you know that 9.4 million women access adult sites each month?

Did you know that almost 20% of all women struggle with pornography (this equates to 1 out of every 5 or 6 women)

And you probably wouldn’t know any of this because about 70% of those women who are struggling with pornography are keeping their activities a secret.

My question is, if the statistics are so clear on whether or not women struggle with this, why has the church, for the most part, not yet addressed this issue?  For the last nine years I have sat in churches and listened to pastors speak about sin and temptation.  Whenever pornography is thrown out there it is always addressed to the men!  And what I mean is explicitly saying, “men…pornography…etc, etc, etc.”  When pornography is addressed with women, it is most often in the context of their response to the struggles that their husbands have.

Some might argue that women and pornography should not be addressed from the pulpit, but rather in the context of a women’s ministry.  Okay, I disagree…I think all sin, if it is being addressed from the pulpit, should not be spoken of or referenced as only applying to some people.  We are all filled with struggles, temptations, and sins of all types.  Why present them to the people attending as if it only applies to one specific type of person?  What about that one person who is not part of that select group, but carries the same struggle?  Do we lead them to believe that they are alone in this struggle?  Because that’s just what happens.  It breeds a sense of isolation and shame…which inevitably causes those struggles to become deep buried secrets in their lives…and when it’s buried deep, in secret, the potential for it to continue or even grow is granted.

Even in the context of women’s ministries, I have not seen this issue addressed adequately.  A few years ago I was asked to help facilitate a 1 day women’s conference.  The idea was to bring women together, young and old, to discuss ideas that are relevant to our identities in christ.  I was a youth leader at the time so I lead the breakout session for the pre-teens and teens.  My co-facilitator had the breakout session for the older women.  During her session she brought up the topic of pornography and masterbation.  Several of the more outspoken women in the group were not at all receptive, and actually repulsed by the idea that she felt the need to address those issues with them.  What?  Really?  I am saddened to say that this attitude is only perpetuated by the church’s choice to only view pornography in a “men’s issue” vacuum.

The most discouraging aspect of the church not taking initiative or choosing to live in a bubble on this issue is that studies reveal that while less women than men are viewing pornography, the women are far more likely to act out on these temptations, engaging in sex with several partners, causal sex, and even affairs.  If the issue is not addressed, the church passively perpetuates the shame within those women who do struggle in this way.  I have talked to many women about this…feeling alone, filled with shame, confused and stuck in their struggles.  Since it is not addressed, there seems, for them, to be no avenue for honesty about their sin, nor any seemingly safe outlet to discuss and find accountability for their struggles.

Clearly, the statistics point to the fact that the one woman sitting in the church on sunday morning, knowing her struggle, is not as alone as she feels.  The pastor may be speaking about pornography to the men in the room, but she is not alone in her struggle.  She needs to know (as we all do with whatever our darkest, private struggles may be), that she is not the only one.  She is not alone and there is freedom and strength available to her first from God and second from a community of sisters that may not yet know what they can do for each other.

Why has the church not yet opened up this possibility for the women in their congregations?

Several years ago I went to Ghana to speak with teens about God.  During that time I had probably 20 or 30 different girls come up to me specifically asking for prayer over their interest in (and in some cases addictions to) pornography.  All of them told me that they had no one that they could talk to about this.  I think they came to me because I was a Godly women, but also a stranger, a person who did not know them well enough to judge them and would not be there long enough to ostracize them.  These were teenagers!  And I’m telling you, it’s not an isolated experience in Ghana…it is just as prevalent here on the home front.

I’m just venting this because after years of being in the church, discussions with other women and men…I realize that many if not most will voice the opinion that women are immune from pornography, lust, and various forms of sexual temptation.  It’s a lie and I wish there was more of an avenue for these struggles to be worked through for women.  I think the starting point would be for the church to acknowledge and accept and “preach” the reality that sin and temptation does not attack based on race or gender.  We are all susceptible to failures of varying degree.  Luckily, we all have the same God who has sent His Son for those mistakes, addictions, and failures.  We all have access to transformation, regardless of what the struggle is…and regardless of who we are, man or woman.

In Our Darkest Hours

There was once a man, William Cowper, who suffered from clinical depression.  One night he tried to commit suicide.  The story goes that one night he called a cab and told the cab driver to take him to the Thames River (he wanted to drown himself).  However, a thick fog came over the area and prevented them from ever finding the river.  After driving around for a while, the cab finally stopped and let Cowper out of the car.  When Cowper got out he found himself standing outside of his own house.  Maybe the cab driver got lost or maybe he deliberately didn’t find the river, nonetheless I think that God sent the fog to keep Cowper from killing himself that night.

Several years ago I left my house to embark on a journey that I knew would result in me wandering from God and indulging in sinful activities.  Mere moments after hitting the road, I found myself in the forming of a grid lock on the highway.  I sat there for two hours, contemplating where I was going and my motives behind it.  I was convinced and convicted that God had sent the “grid lock” to stop me…to convince me to turn around and walk in the way that He would have.  What are the odds that I would set out, during a very low-traffic time of day, only to find myself just behind something that would lock traffic for hours?

Unfortunately I am stubborn, and became annoyed at God from trying to prevent me from the choices I was making.  I didn’t turn around when my car was able to move again.  I went forward with the choice I had already made and inevitably found myself walking through the next 8 months or so in complete darkness and fury and insanity.  It was hell.  I always look back on that time and wonder “what if”.  What if I had listened to God?  What if I had heeded his “way out”?

I’m not sure what Cowper did after that night.  I’m not sure if his attempts at suicide were ever finally successful.  I know that I went forward with my plans…Cowper made it home safely that night.  This is a hymn that he wrote.  Below it is a poem that I wrote, while sobbing on my floor, recognizing God’s intervention and my neglect of it…

GOD MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS By: William Cowper

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

My Greatest Need By: Me

It seems as though I’ve been here before
Pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
I try to be strong and I try to stand
as i fall again to what my heart demands.
Lord, you are my God, though I fight for the throne
I feel so distant, but I can’t be alone.
Lord, I confess to you that I am this weak
I can’t do this alone, it’s forgiveness I seek!
How foolish am I to forget your grace
trying to make a life in every wrong place.

My body is yours, I’ve said it before
Pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
As again I promise to do your will
subdue my sobs, please make me still.
How many times must I return to this place
broken and ashamed, fearing your face?
How many sins before I can be free
of these lies and this life of captivity?
Four years ago you made me new
I thought with these struggles, I would be through.

But here I am, just as before
pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
I see my state, this eternal need!
Lord hear my cries, just as I plead!
You are God, Lord from above
abounding in grace and unfailing love.
Your son died so disgracefully
and rose again that I might be free.
So who am I, so quick to forget
So quick to rejoice, so quick to regret?

Then you meet me here, just as before;
I’m pouring out tears, my face to the floor.
And I hear you whisper, soft in the night,
“You are forgiven Child, pure in my sight
Now walk again and do what is right.
For my spirit will never leave your side.
I still remember the first tear you cried.
And just as I held you way back then
I will remember you tonight as your Father and Friend,
But you must remember me, and this which I want you to see
I am the Lord your God, I AM your greatest need.

Psalm 119:132-136

“Turn to me and be gracious to me,
as is your way with those who love your name.
Keep steady my steps according to your promise,
and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
Redeem me from man’s oppression,
that I may keep your precepts.
Make your face shine upon your servant,
and teach me your statutes.
My eyes shed streams of tears,
because people do not keep your law.”

Sin has certainly left it’s mark in the world…and in our lives.  We are continually confronted with temptation, our own sin and the sins of others.  We all have been hurt and carry scars because of the sin that is so prominiant in the world.  Each of us has been hurt in some way or another, whether it is by our own sinful decisions, or the sin of those we think we can trust, those we look to for help and guidance, those we love and those who say they love us.  It is a painful plight in our world, this side of heaven.

As I read the last verses of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the maiden in Song of Solomon.  She went out seeking for her beloved and found watchmen.  They were the watchmen of the city, those who were called to protect the city and the people within it.  The watchmen found her while she was looking for her lover, and their response was to “bruise her” (Song of Solomon 5:6-8).  I’m not sure what it means exactly that they bruised her, but I do think it’s interesting to note that the word specifically states that they also took her veil – something that was meant to be removed by only a woman’s husband.  Some might say that the removal of the veil is symbolic to the transition from virginity to a consummated marriage, which would also go along with the idea that the veil itself should only be removed by one’s husband.  With this in mind, I can only think that the bruises she received were nothing shy of harmful – physically and emotionally.  I also wonder if it was an attack, in the least, on her sense of purity or intimate connection with her beloved.  Scripture doesn’t say explicitly, but deductive reasoning makes me wonder…

Regardless of what those bruises are for us, we have all been hurt.  Luckily Christ has brought redemption and a renewal of purity for those who put their faith in him.  A redemption that can only be bought with His blood that was shed on the cross.

Today I stand, bruised and beaten in ways that I would not wish on anyone.  Images of past sins committed on/to me and the sins I myself have willingly partaken in flood my mind and my sense of being.  I’m not alone in this.  I also stand in the Light of Christ – and am being made whole through Grace.  I have a sense of eternal wholeness, but I still carry scars from those sins past and present.  I still find myself hurt and confused by the deceit, manipulation, and sin (intentional or not) that I see and experience – especially by those that I look to for friendship, help, guidance, counsel, love, etc.  To varying degrees, all Christians do.

What is my response to this?  What should our response be?  For me, I long for heaven and the promises it holds.  In Revelations 21 it states:

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Our response…to rejoice in the saving power and love of Christ, to give Grace as we receive Grace from our Lord.    I long for heaven, but until I am called to go, I long for God’s presence, the times I sit with him and His word that is always waiting for me to read, think upon, and love unashamedly.

Seeking Power in God’s Word – Psalm 119:1-41

“”You have commanded your precepts
to be kep diligently.
Oh that my ways may be steadfast
in keeping your statutes!
Then I shall not be put to shame
having my eyes fixed on all your commandments.
I will praise you with an upright heart
when I learn your righteous rules.
How can a young man keep his way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
let me not wander from your commandments!
I have stored up your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O LORD;
teach me your statutes.
Deal bountifully with your servant,
that I may live and keep your word.
I am a sojourner on the earth;
hide not your commandments from me!
my soul clings to the dust
give me life according to your word!
my soul melts away for sorrow
strengthen me according to your word!
put false ways far from me
and graciously teach me your law!
give me understanding, that I may keep your law
and observe it with all my heart
lead me in the path of your commandments
for I delight in it
incline my heart to your testimonies
and not to selfish gain
turn my eyes from looking at worthless things
and give me life in your ways.
confirm to your servant your promise,
that you may be feared
Behold, I long for your precepts
in your righteousness give me life!
Let your steadfast love come to me, O lord
your salvation according to your promise.
(selected scriptures from Psalm 119: 1-41)

There is something powerful in knowing God’s Truth.  In times of trouble and need it may be a source of comfort or strength.  In times of rejoicing, it may serve as a reminder for where the Glory pertaining to that celebration resides.  In times of confronting and repenting of sin it provides the truth of a cleansing and washing by way of Jesus’s blood.  And in times of temptation, it may as well be the only place we can find the ability to fight and come out from under it without having falling in to sin.

In the case of the latter, it is not merely sufficient to know the Truth of God’s Word.  We know that the Pharisees knew God’s word…they had it memorized, but failed to recognize the word come to life as Jesus walked before them.  We know that Satan knows God’s word.  It was memorized enough to be used as the source of temptation that Jesus faced while he was in the wilderness (see Matthew 4:1-11).  But we also know that as believers, it serves as a tool for which we can fight temptation and begin to know God more fully.  Hebrews 4:12 states:

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

I am circling around the idea that we must know God’s word, but we also must allow it to rest in our hearts, be meditated upon in our minds, and allow it to penetrate our very being that transformation might take place within us and power may be obtained as we reach for it in those times of temptation.  It  is not enough to simply know the scripture and to be able to engage in theological discussions.  We must be transformed.  Scripturally it’s possible…but I wonder if in reality it is practiced as much as one might think as we look upon the people who fill the pews of a church on Sunday morning.

Abiding in God’s word such that transformation is happening and the available power is used wisely is a practice that comes and goes in my own life, and perhaps in the lives of most.  I face temptation and fight successfully.  I face temptation, sort of fight and fail.  I  face temptation and outright succumb, ignoring God’s word for the sake of that immediate gratification or transient fulfillment that I think those sins might provide.  All of the scenarios are true…some more than others.  At the end of the day, however, I really do want to be pure and blameless before God…and this morning I was reminded was the source of that even being a remote possibility lies in God’s word and the place it holds in my innermost.

Abba, let your word penetrate my life.  God, renew me and strengthen me and those around me according to your word and the power it holds.  I seek deliverance from those sins that are so blatant and clear to the world around me…and perhaps even more so those that are dark and hidden from everyone but me and you.  I want to stand as the woman you desire me to be…the woman you are transforming me to become.  Renew that desire and love for your word that I once had.  I want to be the same person, a right reflection of you, to all that look upon me – when I stand before them and when I’m alone, behind closed doors.  I want to be a right reflection of you regardless of who is around me at church, at home, at work, and when I’m in the presence of you alone.  Bring conviction where none stands.  By your word, bring light into the dark places of my heart and life.  I am broken, and weary, and sinful…help me to not buy into the lies.  In the thoughts of CS Lewis, I am like a child who goes on playing in mud puddles because I do not know the breadth of what lies in an offer to vacation on a beach by the sea.  God I am too easily satisfied…I don’t believe that fighting now will preserve my life for a greater satisfaction later, when you provide for me the full depth of your promises.  Please, father…bring your word into my life…with fullness and power, give me the strength to fight myself, my flesh, and my sin for the sake of You, Your love and ultimately your Glory. Amen.

Worrying About Sin

Before I spill my thoughts I want to open the door for anyone who reads this…if I’m off base, tell me. 

As I drove home from work yesterday I talked with a friend on the phone.  During our conversation, my friend began to express how much she hurt for another friend of ours.  This other person is a Christian, was walking with the Lord and now has started making decisions and choices that may not be the most God-glorifying and in some cases is choosing to outright sin against God.  The person on the other end of the phone has been discouraged over the whole situation from day 1.  I, on the other hand, have not been “bothered” by it to the same degree.  Yesterday there came a point in our conversation where I started to think my friend was waiting for me to meet her in her discomfort over this situation.  I couldn’t…and as a result, I think my words were rather disappointing to her. 

From my perspective, this “situation” is all too familiar to me.  Actually, it’s practically a mirror image of me and some decisions I made 1 year into my walk with God.  Several of my friends responded just as yesterday’s phone conversation went down.  I ultimately did what I wanted to do, regardless of what anyone could do or say to me at the time…similar to our friend today.  It is now 7 years later, and while I did what I wanted to do then, ultimately God did what He wanted to do…and that was to continue conforming me to his image.  As with any of the harder darker times in my walk, God used those times and specifically my emergence from them to grow and deepen my faith and character in ways that nothing else would have been able to do.  While I would love to (ideally speaking) save all those I love from hurt or pain or suffering or bad decisions or sin, I would never want to “save” them from the process of growth that so often accompanies those times in our lives. 

I look at this situation today and I don’t feel despair nor do I feel as heart-broken as others on the outside looking in.  I look at this situation and find peace knowing that God can and will do anything to move us to being more of the person we were created to be, even if that means that for a season we are  given over to the sin we are trying to cling so tightly to. 

I felt bad as I hung up the phone yesterday…I am not burdened for this situation like others may be.  I actually feel optimistic about the situation…not to say I expect the outcome to be a certain way (because I don’t know what that outcome will be), but rather am optimistic that regardless of what the situation and choices are, God can and will do what He wants when the time is right.  Perhaps it’s because the situation hits close to home but I just can’t find despair in the situation and sins, instead I hope in the opportunities that exist.  There is so much potential for God to Glorify His name…in several different ways.  Why worry over the sin when I can pray for God’s Glory to reign?   

In my devotional this morning I read this and felt that it was relevant to my musings of the last 18 or 20 hours.  Using Moses as a backdrop to build this reflection (Numbers 20) Henry Blackaby pens the following in his devotional, Experiencing God:

“God has put people around you who need your ministry to them. You will never be able to properly help them, however, unless your primary focus is on God. If you concentrate on people, their weaknesses, their disobedience, their lack of faith, and their stubbornness will quickly frustrate you. You may… commit the very sins you are condemning. If, however, your eyes are fixed on holy God, you will become more like Him—gracious, forgiving, long-suffering, and righteous. When a friend’s behavior disappoints you, go immediately to the Lord. Seek to discern what God is wanting to do in your friend’s life rather than concentrating on your friend’s sin. Then you will have the strength, wisdom, and patience you need to help your friend in the way God desires.”