Pain Like A Broken Record

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  🙂

A Single Girl’s Valentine

Valentine’s Day is here again.  Another year is passing by.  As everyone else in the world will be fighting dinner reservations and receiving Jewelry, I’ll be sitting at home praying that the local grocery store will still have a decent box of chocolates for me when I go in the day after to buy myself a valentines heart of chocolate.

When in a relationship, this is a day you look forward to… a day that celebrates the love you share.  When you’re single, this is a day you dread for no other reason than it being a holiday that forces you to face your fear that you will be alone…forever.

This year, as with the past 7 years, I am my own valentine.  While I wish I could say this for all the years past, this year I’m okay with this reality. I was talking to a sweet friend the other day about shared experiences and realities.  She asked me how I do it; how do I maintain hope and faith in the midst of the loneliness that I feel and the singleness that has come to define much of my walk with the Lord.   I took a second to answer…I have spent so much time waiting…wanting…longing, that I think I can honestly say that all those “lines” that silly Christian books feed to 20-something single women might have some truth within them…

Silly Book Idea #1 – God is Preparing You

To live this single life I need the Lord first and foremost.  I haven’t “made it”.  I’m not at that mysterious pinnacle of singleness where I’m 100% always okay with this relationship status, but as with many of the experiences and pains and struggling that we experience in life, God is using it to produce a stronger hope, faith and a growth in character.  James 1:2-4 talks about how trials produce steadfastness.  (Sure, I consider singleness a trial…especially at the rate that I’m going 🙂 .  Singleness is a time of preparation and work…just as courtship/dating and marriage brings other aspects of growth and character development.

Silly Book Idea #2 – God’s Love is Enough

First off, I have a lot to grow in this area, believe me…I’m not saying I have this all figured out.  But I do know that as I continue to understand and experience moments of feeling completely and utterly loved by God I am strengthened by this idea that if his love was enough for “single me” yesterday, it’ll be enough for “single me” tomorrow.  From this, I take each day, one at a time.  I’m not stuck in the past, regretting all my mistakes, nor am I so worried about the future that I’m forgetting to live today.  Sure,    there have been times when I have wept over the desire for God to be enough, and I’m sure I’ll have many more days where I cry the same prayers.  But there is no substitute to knowing and believing the scriptures regarding the power of God’s love to sustain us, regardless of relationship status and regardless of circumstance or trials we face.  This goes beyond Valentine’s Day woes, but His Love is what will get us through the Holiday…so if you don’t get it…pray for it…and you’ll see ❤

Silly Book Idea #3 – Singleness allows Space to Serve God

As I answered my friend’s question, I realized that I began talking about this idea of being able to minister because I have been single…and as I talked, I found myself getting choked up…realizing the depth of truth that this single factor has had in my life.

Many of us, during our single years, spend much of our time dreaming, analyzing the hands of the men we encounter (looking for rings, of course), walking into rooms, scanning for a possible Mr. Wonderful.  We journal and in our private prayers, we cry out…we wait for Mr. Right, because apparently when we meet him, life can finally start.

WRONG.

Life is happening all around us, right now.  Sometimes we think that singleness takes us out of the game completely, but really it opens up windows of opportunity to serve God in ways that relationships and marriage don’t allow (at least not as freely).  Waiting is not some dormant activity – it is an opportunity to live life fully devoted to the Glory of God…RIGHT NOW!!!

When I was 21 or 23, I saw marriage as the tool through which I would be able to minister, but the truth is that it is often through singleness that we have the freedom and the flexibility to really serve and love those around us in very unique ways.  I had read this in books for years, yet while I was talking to my friend the other night; I realized just how true the idea actually is.  I’m not saying that relationships disqualify you from serving or glorifying God.  Hear me, if you are single…God has uniquely given you an opportunity to serve him in a way that others around you may not be able to.  Use this time of waiting for Mr. Right to not sit around sulking, but use it to serve and love God, because at the end of the day…that is what matters…how we loved God and how we loved others because of our understanding of His Love toward us.

As I drove home last night, this song weighed heavy on my heart…for single women who are waiting and hurting this Valentines Day.  It is also relevant for married women waiting for their husbands to know the Lord or return to Him.

It’s Valentines Day, and while many are celebrating, I know that many are also hurting deeply because of unmet desires, longing hearts and “unanswered prayers”.  Listen to this song and be encouraged.  Regardless of the situation, God is working, He loves you, He is changing you…and there is no better day than today for you to serve  and worship Him.

Abba, Lord, my heart is heavy tonight.  The names of a few women are on my heart…and I know many more are out there dreading Feb. 14th to arrive.  Lord please be with them.  Help open their eyes to the reality of your love for them.  The reality that you chose them.  And that 2000+ years ago, you delivered a valentine…a profession of your love…through the death and resurrection of your Son, Jesus.  Valentines day brings with it so much celebration of love, but so much resentment and pain in those who are single.  God, please reveal yourself as the true and ultimate source of love…bring glory to your name…and pour your love and comfort out to those who are needing it the most tonight.  It is by the name of your Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.