Pain Like A Broken Record

Do you know what today is?  I wish I didn’t know…

For nearly two months I looked forward to March 30, 2012.  It was the start of 6 days of dates and adventures with the California Kid to see what kind of chemistry was between us and to then discuss what our thoughts were regarding a relationship and what that might look like if we both wanted to move forward.  I made reservations for a sunset cruise where we could wander off for a few hours exploring the Chesapeake Bay and one of the old light houses that line the shores.  I bought bus tickets to go to New York City to explore things not yet seen by either of us.  I bought a few random things that I was going to send him as teasers leading up to our dates.  All those beautifully silly, but sweet things people do when things are new and exciting in relationships I did and was doing when reality showed up.

And now today.  I was fine today…at least until I sat in my hairdresser’s chair to get my hair cut.  Yes, I postponed my scheduled haircut for this afternoon.  I figured that would allow me to have great hair for at least 2 days…including that most important moment – the first look that we would share when we finally saw each other in person for the first time since January.  I would be standing there in the airport terminal with a huge smile, looking cute, great hair, holding one of those silly airport signs that the limo drivers always have for the people they are picking up.  We knew each other already, but I thought it would be funny to have a sign for him.

Anyways, the hairdresser was curious why I delayed my appointment so I explained the story.  Drove home afterwards and now that’s all I can seem to think about.

Part of me still wishes this was some horrible, ill-planned April Fool’s joke.

I know a lot of girls can relate to feeling this way at one time or another.  We get all disillusioned because one…or many guys seem to break our hearts.  Sometimes we look for and fall into bad relationships.  Or, like me, maybe you feel like the bad relationships seem to find you and leave you grossly disappointed.  Same pain, different story…right?  Like ground-hog day gone bad or a broken record haunting every opportunity that comes your way.  The crap keeps flying until we have so many walls and trust issues that we over-guard ourselves…inevitably leading us to run from or shut down even the good possibilities for relationships that appear before us.

It’s not meant to be this way…

It can’t be

This can’t be how the heart of a woman was meant to be handled, but it happens.

Well intentioned people (often the ones who are married with little babies) tell you that this seemingly evasive love will find you when you least expect it and especially when you’re not looking for it.  Well crap also happens when you least expect it and if you’re not careful, you’ll walk right through it if you’re not keeping an eye on where you’re walking…especially in areas frequented by horses and dogs.

So, as I should be allowed, I find myself venting.  Getting these crappy feelings out before they brew something toxic and destructive inside.  Ultimately, I’m really sad today, but not because I did anything wrong.  I am still confident in my beauty and identity as a woman.  My self-esteem is not shot.  I am simply sad because at the end of the day I want to make memories and share life with someone…and today would have marked the start of 6 days of memories made seeking adventure and possibility with someone who, if I’m honest, made me feel great for almost 2 months.  Built on lies…and like the straw house made by the piggies…it all fell down when the big bad wolf huffed and puffed and blew my way.

I am sad today…and perhaps will be on and off for a few days hereafter…but I know in the grand scheme of things, all will be okay.

How do I know?

LADIES!!!  Mark my words: A disappointing end to one possibility at love does not have to completely unravel us.  Circumstances and relationships change, but God does not change…therefore, when our Faith is placed in Him, that too can stand unchanged.  It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to acknowledge that things kinda suck right now.  BUT it’s not okay to let someone else take the ground out from under you…especially when everything about God’s character should point to the fact that nothing…or no one can separate us from His Love.  With Him and by that very love expressed in a multitude of God’s characteristics we can stand.  The ground may continue to rumble beneath us, but He will hold us up…Heck, He might even encourage us to move forward…step by step we can move on to whatever life or adventure awaits us next…

K…I’m done.  My Ben and Jerry’s is melting (well, the gluten free alternative is melting)…let’s stop sulking, finish our pints of chocolate goodness, and move on to the life that awaits…we only get one shot at it…and no man is so great that he should be given the power to take our joy away…especially when we remember the source of said joy and the love He wants to share with us each day, including today  🙂

Another Reflection From Haiti

It’s taken me some time to figure out what I wanted to close with on this site (this post was originally posted a few weeks ago on the team blog…so it’s a bit dated).

Short term missions have a lot of value – not only for the staff and organizations that are served, but also for the individuals who are going.  Sure, that seems selfish, but it’s a reality that can not be ignored…after all, if you are truly going with a “learner’s heart”, how can you expect to not receive something about God and His Global Kingdom when you go?

I hope and sense that our efforts to serve Child Hope were valuable.  The house we provided, the things we built and organized, the care we provided with the kids – all of those efforts were to serve the staff working there for long-term and the community and kids they are caring for.

On a personal level, I came back from Haiti with some conviction that I had to take to the Lord.  I’m used to being the odd person out.  I usually know how people are going to respond when they start asking questions about my parents or life growing up.  I know my story is a little awkward or sad for people to hear, but I’m okay with that.  For the first time in my life, and by going to an orphanage, I found myself surrounded by kids who have stories that carry more similarities than I’m used to finding in the people I typically encounter.  I didn’t really feel like the odd person out because I knew they too experienced loss and had to grow up far too early.  In some cases I felt like I was staring into a mirror – seeing in others tendencies others have brought to my attention (that I couldn’t really see in myself).  In other cases, I felt like being there with those kids was God’s way of showing me there was something beyond the mirror into which I was staring.

let me explain…

I don’t for one instance claim to know or understand the full experience of life that these kids have, but in some ways I relate. I know what its like to be abandoned and unwanted by one parent, only to watch the other die at a young age.  I struggled to make sense of justice and love in the midst of some really bad experiences.  This is the mirror that I’m speaking of.  It is different from the lives of these kids, but perhaps more relatable and similar than any other community of people that I’ve ever met.

What I noticed and rejoiced with the Child Hope kids is that regardless of their circumstances, they loved to praise and worship God.  I saw pure joy exuding from them at times…simple excitement, thanksgiving, and praise to the Lord.  And this is where God started showing me what was beyond that mirror.  I think it is best described as “joy”.

Coming home, I was very convicted at my own lack of thankfulness toward God and was led to repentance. Beyond the circumstances that have defined our past or are shaping our current reality, there is God and through His Holy Spirit, joy is possible.  There are opportunities to be thankful and to worship God that are not circumstantial.  In Philippians 4:8 Paul exhorts us to focus on what is good and worthy of praise.  I speculate that we are more prone to look at the trials and difficulties we face than we are to the good things, especially when things aren’t necessarily “good”.  It takes effort to look beyond those harder realities into the character of God and worship Him.  God challenged me to do that during our week in Haiti using kids who exuded joy.  He left no room for the exemptions that I usually conjure up when I see joy alive in the lives of others.  I couldn’t find a single “yeah, but…” as I tried to understand what was before my eyes.  They have experienced the harder realities of life, but they had something different…something I wanted.

In a place where I expected to see pain and sorrow much more manifest I found Joy…and through that experience God is challenging me to be more thankful toward Him and through Grace, He is ultimately leading me to experience more joy.

I will never forget this opportunity, and I am so thankful to those who helped to make it possible.  Every time I share, I tell a different story and realize a different way that I saw God move.  The staff of Child Hope do a wonderful job at loving these kids and pointing them to Christ…Maison de lumiere is truly a house of light in this nation.

now stop reading and go PRAISE God for them and PRAY for the work they continue to do there 🙂