My MBA class does a behind the scenes look at the Disney Theme Park Operations (the magic behind Disney, so to speak) as an assignment for our Business Operations Class. One of the great parts about this trip, in addition to seeing a side of Disney that most don’t see, is the fact that we (a class of 35 or so students) get to network and get to know each other. We are about half way into our group-based cohort MBA program. Since we started 1 year ago, we have been part of 1 team (8 teams for the whole class). Sure, you get to know some of your other classmates (there are only 35 of us), but the people you get to know the most are those who are on your team. In a few weeks we are about to split up the teams, re-form, and find ourselves in a new team that we will finish out our year with. This trip was a great help in allowing us to get to know the other people in our class on a much better level.
Yesterday, I found myself in a very interesting conversation with one of my fellow classmates that I don’t know very well. On Saturday night we were all out having dinner and a few drinks. In the middle of explaining something, he said that he was an athiest. I took note, mostly because I’m a Christian who was an atheist at one time. I guess I also took note because, knowing who I was as an atheist, I was worried that He might recieve me the same way, were he to find out that I was a Christian.
A little sidebar – I’m not normally ashamed or afraid of the fact that I’m a Christian. I’m usually pretty up front and honest about it. I’m not the most proselytizing of all the Christians out there, but I did want to be a missionary at one time. I can have rather intelligent conversations about faith, my journey and beliefs and doctrine and what not. As a professional, I’ve learned that it’s not my place to shove religion or my beliefs down the throats of others, and usually only engage if they begin to ask questions or welcome the conversation. I don’t hide who I am, nor do I expect others to hide who they are. I do expect respect and enjoy the exchange of ideas and beliefs, whatever they may be.
So back to the story. On Sunday, I had the opportunity to talk to this guy in my class a little more. We talked about everything from the park, the experience, and then talked about a plethora of other things. Eventually the question came up about why I moved to my current city. Knowing he was an atheist, I was a little nervous to tell him it was for a church. Him and his wife (whom I didn’t meet, but heard about) seem like really interesting people, and sometimes pulling out the Christian label can completely squash conversations…I really didn’t want to squash this one, but I also had to be honest. This actually led into a conversation about religion and faith journeys.
The hardest part about our conversation was actually having to be honest about me viewing my faith as a journey; something that I’m still figuring out. There are things in scripture and doctrine that I fully believe. There are things in my experience of faith that greatly enhance my faith and add to my ability to believe certain things, without a doubt. BUT there are also a lot of things in the practice of modern day christianity, my experience (past and present), and within Scripture (or the teachings of scripture) that I don’t fully understand. I haven’t reconciled the idea of women and their place in the church. I don’t know why God allows bad things to happen, yet fails to intercede. I don’t know why we can cry out and pray for things, only to get “no answer”. I don’t know why, if Jesus died for our sins, we continue to struggle. I don’t fully understand all the intricate inner workings of human sexuality (including but not limited to homosexuality) relative to what the Bible (and most conservative Christian teachings) describe as “God’s design”. Sure I can give canned answers, but if I’m honest these are questions I still ask after 9 years of following Christ. Some are much bigger issues to me than others, but there all questions I have and things I don’t quite get. I don’t know where in all of this mess the human hand ends and God’s hand begins. Where sovereignty and free will intercede or diverge. But I am also a person seeking God’s face…hoping he will help me work out my questions and hangups enough to get me through the next day. I never realized how hard it was to describe to someone that all of this exists for me, yet I still believe…and I would consider myself a pretty strong believer. Some might think I shouldn’t be okay with this, but I am. I’m tired of canned answers…I just want to be authentic…and if that means standing firm on some doctrines or acknowledging my lack of understanding in other areas…I’m going to do that. For me it doesn’t detract from my faith, but rather is a sweet reminder that I don’t have it all figured out…and perhaps still have a lot to learn, not only about the Truth of God, but also his heart, for me and those he created. And as hard as that conversation was for me to navigate, I walked away realizing a security in my understanding, beliefs, confusions and frustrations…and I’m actually grateful for it.
This all reminds me of one of my favorite prayers in the bible, “Lord I believe, help my unbelief” (mark 9:29). something I may write about in a day or two.
a heart set on pilgrimage 
… and that’s precisely why I’ve kept reading your thoughts over these past years when all the other blogs I used to read are long forgotten. You’re thoughtful and honest, warts and all, and you make me think. For my money, modern Christianity (at least here in the west) is too clean and neat; too safe. I think if you’re really pursuing God, you’re bound to stub your toes on a big question here and there, and maybe never really get a nice clean-cut answer. After all, isn’t that what faith is all about? If we can know all the answers and wrap everything up all nice and neat, where’s the need for faith?
I totally agree! Faith is the bridge.