“And I – in righteousness I will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
(Psalm 17:15)
God is beautiful. This weekend was an amazing weekend with friends, fun, music, good conversations, and good fellowship. At the same time, I experienced deep within my soul, a battle I thought I had long overcome…a battle over me and specifically, my identity. It came on ever so softly, but through some very honest conversations with my accountability partner and a dear friend of mine, I realized the fear that was beginning to seep out from me was rooted in that battle and that perhaps, must to my dismay, the war was not over.
Last night I found myself humbled and in awe of God and his desire to speak to us. He does not settle for mediocre, almost there, children. No, His sanctification is persistent and is one that penetrates deep within to cleanse and transform us from the inside out. I recognize that any wisdom and knowledge I may have today is only by Him…and is for the Glory of Him, I see this because in moments like this weekend I am reminded that I’m still a work in progress and have a very, very long way to go. God has brought me so far, but still is not satisfied with the sin and chains that remain. His work must go on…as hard as that might be…He will not stop until He has made right all that sin has made wrong.
Last night, through the story of David and Bathsheba I was challenged to look at my own heart. Our hearts must be filled – either with God or something else – it MUST be filled. David, in the eve of his adultery, and in his own passivity, allowed His heart to become filled with things other than God. The result of that, we see, were his adultery, his lying, deceit, and even plots for murder as described in 2 Samuel 11. Introspection found me as the question, “what is filling your heart today?” echoed in my mind. I want it to be God, but the fear and insecurities that surfaced this weekend reveal that maybe He’s not what I’m filling my heart with right now. I resonated with the link of passivity or complacency in David’s life and in my own life right now. This honest look reminded me as to just where the stuff this weekend had come from and challenged me to again start filling my heart with God and his word.
I refer back to my opening sentence: God is beautiful. I may not see all that God is doing. I know that He has been trying to work in a specific area of my life…the one I keep most closed off for a while now. Looking back almost a year I can see His Spirit subtly trying to penetrate, purify, and redeem a specific part of my life (maybe my own passivity is linked to my desire to keep that areas “hidden” from God and the work of His Spirit).
Have I mentioned how persistent God is?
Today, in the beautiful way that is God’s alone, He reminded me that even in the moments where I am most passive…His Spirit continues to work. My reluctance, my fear, my insecurities, my own desire to run – none of that is greater or bigger or more powerful than the will of His love for me, the movement of His Spirit, nor the work of His hands. As I stood around the coffee maker this morning, a co-worker of mine shared about the wonderful weekend he had on a leadership retreat this weekend. I began working with this person in my last position. Since 2006 I have watched him and his family begin to seek God more seriously and have witnessed the fruit of God’s faithfulness and a joy that only the Spirit can bring. I have watched that joy grow in His eyes. Today, I met that joy again. Coming off of a time of fear and confusion with regards to things that had been stirring around me, the faithfulness of God in this man’s life, met me in an unexpected, but much needed moment. I don’t fully understand it, but peace overcame me, and I was able to take in the hand of God and trust that He’s got it all under control…in my co-worker’s life…and even in mine.
I thought the verse from Psalm 17 was fitting for the moment. I saw the face, the hands of God standing around the coffee maker this morning. The fears that lined the pages of my journal last night faded away and once again I became satisfied in knowing and believing all that God is.
a heart set on pilgrimage 